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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #153 - 07/18/1999

INSTANT FUNNIES!

Just Add Water...

Welcome back, My Timely Friends,
     Think outside the box!  Get rid of dead wood!  Break with
tradition! Live, live, live!  Sage advice from successful
business folks and rich dowagers alike.  Makes me think I should
shake up the establishment (Oops!  That's me!) here at SUNFUN
Central   at least for one week.
     Assembling Sunday Funnies has traditionally meant gathering
anecdotes from around the world, filing them under hundreds of
topic ideas, then scheduling the topics when I've collected
enough material.  Some topics fill up quickly and are used over
and over, like "Stupid Criminals."  Others take much longer to
"germinate," so don't expect to see a Funnies about "Humble
Dictators" anytime soon!
     Since around October of 1996, most of the Sunday Funnies
columns have had a single, specific purpose each week.  No, I
don't mean allowing me to rant and rave; I mean the OFFICIAL
topic of the week.  This system works pretty well, thanks to all
my sources and to contributions from you folks.  But I decided to
ignore precedent for this edition of Funnies and bring you
stories fresh from this week's news.  You might call this the
first Funnies to be "freshness dated."  Or, you might just yell
"Incoming!" and duck.  That's your choice.
     Special Thanks this week for contributions and support from:
Celil Guclu & Kiyomi Kanazawa, Sylvia Libin He, Hong Laura Li,
Suparna R. Shetty, Carol Becwar, Mark Becwar, Kerry Miller,
Catherine Cassidy, Etsuko Hori, Jerry Taff, Timothy T. McChain,
Sue Yan, Howard Lesniak, Fumiko Umino, Meredith & Yasmin
Leischer, Harry Cherkinian, and Brian Siegl.  Thanks to all of
you for what turned out to be a pretty good week!  Now it's time
for me to get out of the way and let you get to the stories
before they go stale.
     Have A Funny Week,

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CHINA'S MOST DANGEROUS EXPORT...
-----------------------------
     There have been many claims recently about China - many of
them pretty exaggerated.  But one that is entirely true is that
China makes the world's most dangerous beer.
     It isn't the alcohol content.  Nor is it the claim that
drinking too much will cause you to do really stupid things.  The
real danger is the bottles.
     According to a report out this week by the China Consumers
Association, bursting beer bottles have killed five and injured
fifty-two in just the second quarter of this year.  In the period
from April to June, 270 separate complaints were received about
exploding brew, according to Consumer Association spokesman Wu
Gaohan.  (Reuters /China Daily)
          [ And you should read the complaints about
          pretzels! ]


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THE BUTLER DID IT...
-----------------
     Busy executives used to rely on their wives to run the
household and take care of the basic necessities like food,
clothing and planning cocktail parties.  These days, it's more
likely that the wife is also an executive busy in her own career. 
So many rich folks find that the perfect answer is to hire
someone to take care of things at home while they are off making
more money to impress their friends.
     Yes, the butler is back.
     The modern Jeeves isn't exactly like the tail-coated silver
polisher we remember from all of those old movies.  He (or even
she) is more likely to take care of the practical things for the
family as a kind of household manager.  Instead of adopting that
old superior attitude, the 90's butler is trained to shop, clean,
cook and wash the bosses underwear.
     "People think of butlers mainly as the guy in the tux who
answered the door," says Carol Scudere, who trains butlers at
Professional Domestics Institute in Columbus, Ohio.  "I've had
guys say, 'How should I wash a woman's bra?'  How are they going
to know how to do this if we don't teach them?"
          [ "Step One: Remove bra.  Doing this without
          further involvement is the key to success." ]


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DOOR PRIZE.
----------
     All U.S. Congressman Mark Sanford wanted was a door.  The
less-than-rich legislator from South Carolina often sleeps
overnight in his office at the Longworth House Office Building.
He wanted a door installed between his inner and outer offices
for a little privacy on days when his staff comes in early.  A
simple remodeling job, right?
     But this is the government we're talking about.
     It took a six month study by Architect of the Capitol Alan
M. Hantman to determine that it would cost $2,753 to put a door
in the opening.
     In addition, the official report by Assistant Project
Estimator Sandra K. Turman, Senior Project Estimator Curtis P.
Dyer, Assistant Architect of the Capitol Michael G. Turnbull and
Hantman expressed concern that installing the door would set a
precedent as there are 113 more doorways of that design in the
building.  Providing the equivalent walnut door for each would
cost $300,000, according to the study.
     Congressman Sanford decided that he'll just live without the
door and make sure to get out of bed before his staff arrives in
the morning.
          [ We're still waiting for the General
          Accounting Office report on the expense of
          hot water used by the Congressman to shave in
          the morning. ]


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CITY PARK, OR AT LEAST WE THINK SO...
----------------------------------
     City officials in Burlington, Vermont are trying to decide
how to handle a small problem.  While it is clear that they own
city hall and the other downtown government buildings, a search
of county records shows that the city doesn't own the land under
the buildings.
     All of this came to light this week when a local restaurant
wanted to lease part of the land to expand its outdoor dining
area.  That plan was controversial because many residents
objected to using the land for commercial purposes.
     As it turns out, the town's founders only gave the city
permission to use the land in 1794.  What the settlers didn't do
was officially convey the property to the city.  Who owns the
property now?  The original document states that the property
belongs to the "founding proprietors, their heirs, devises and
assign."
     "We have an easement for public buildings and public use,
but we do not have title," according to Assistant City Attorney
Jessica Oski.  She stated that the matter would have to be
resolved either by ballot or in the courts.  (AP)
          [ Well, that's one way to stop government
          from expanding out of control. ]


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THE NAKED CITY...
--------------
     This just in - it's OK to take off your clothes in public in
New York City.  But only in the name of art.
     Photographer Spencer Tunick has become famous for his
portraits of large numbers of naked people in public.  When the
city refused a permit for a proposed mass unveiling of nearly 150
in New York City, Tunick filed suit in the U.S. District Court,
claiming that the city is threatening his free speech rights.  
     "Of all the quality of life issues tourists have with New
York, public nudity is not one of them," Tunick's attorney said
in an interview. "No one goes back to Iowa complaining about all
the naked people."
     The suit said that the photography should be permitted
because New York law does not make it a crime to be nude in
public when it is for an exhibition or art.
     Late Friday the court ruled in favor of granting the permit.
     "The privacy interests of the residents of this neighborhood
who can avert their eyes  cannot outweigh the rights of others to
exercise their First Amendment right to artistic  expression," 
U.S. District Judge Harold Baer Jr. said in issuing the decision.
     So, at 5:30 AM this Sunday morning, Tunick, his cameras and
a collection of disrobed models will hit the streets of mid-town
Manhattan.  Police are expecting crowds of curious onlookers -
who are also expected to bring more than a few cameras. 
(Reuters/AP)
          [ Note to me:  Call broker.  Ask about Kodak
          stock. ]

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CRIME SPREE, JR.
---------------
     It's an old story: a boy is bored and frustrated with his
life, so he drops out of school and steals a car looking to hit
the road for excitement.  Police have heard the story thousands
of times.
     Unless the kid is still in pre-school.
     John Carpenter, Age 6, apparently decided he'd had enough of
day care for one week, so he cut class from his Fairfield, Ohio
pre-school and wandered off.  His experiment in crime started
when he happened upon an outside display at a local used toy
store featuring a battery-propelled toy truck.
     Young Carpenter managed to connect the battery cables and
drive off before anyone realized what was happening.  He got
almost a mile down the highway toward Cincinnati before the
police caught up with him.  A driver with a cell phone had seen
the miniature motorist cruising down the road and turned him in
to the cops.
     Fortunately, there was a happy ending since the child wasn't
hurt in the incident.  The toy store isn't too unhappy either;
the famous toy truck used in the attempted pre-school escape was
quickly sold to someone who'd seen the story on television.  And
no charges have been filed against the pre-school escapee, so the
kid won't be doing any time in the slammer.  (Reuters)
          [ Unless you count the house arrest by his
          parents, who were less than amused by the
          whole thing. ]


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THIEF DIDN'T HAVE A PRAYER OF GETTING AWAY...
------------------------------------------
     Maybe it was guilty conscience.  A thief attended mass after
stealing clothes from a room at the local monastery near Salta in
far northern Argentina.
     The Franciscan priest was amazed to see one of the faithful
wearing the same clothes that had been stolen from his room at
the monastery.  The suspect surrendered peacefully after the
priest called the police.  (Reuters)


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MORE ENVIRONMENT THAN THEY CAN HANDLE.
-------------------------------------
     They are called environmental racers.  They participate in
events that include mountain and road biking, running and
kayaking all in the name of promoting a better environment.  But
even these hearty souls can be overwhelmed when presented with
too much environment at once.
     Forty-five racers participated in the rough-terrain
"California Enviro" race held in the mountains near Tahoe City,
California.  Thirty-eight of them took a wrong turn on the trail
and ended up in the wilderness.  Most of the errant runners were
able to find the correct trail before dark, but eight remained
lost and had to be rescued by sheriff's deputies on all-terrain
vehicles Tuesday night.
     "We should have taken a compass," one of the wrong-way
runners said.  "We should have never been out there in that kind
of wilderness without being prepared."  (AP)
          [ All that environmental training and they
          don't understand "survival of the fittest?" ]


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THAT'S "MERRY MEN"...
-----------------
     The subject of Robin Hood came up at an outing this week. 
That's "outing" in it's common sense as in "exposure or admission
as a homosexual" as opposed to a picnic in Sherwood Forest.
     Undeterred by the serious historical doubt that Robin Hood
ever existed, Stephen Knight, an English literature professor at
Cardiff University, claims that Mr. Hood and his Merry Men were
indeed gay fellows.  That's "gay" as in the modern usage of "not
particularly interested in women."
     The professor decided Robin Hood was gay after studying 14th
century ballads that are the earliest known accounts of his
deeds.  No, the ballads made no mention of his stylish green suit
or love of shopping.  Nothing that obvious.
     "The ballads could not say outright that he was gay because
of the prevailing moral climate, but they do contain a great deal
of erotic imagery," he said.
     "The green wood itself is a symbol of virility and the
references to arrows, quivers and swords make it clear too," he
told The London Sunday Times.
     The Times expressed some amazement at the idea that Mel
Brooks' comedy about the Sherwood Forest Gang, "Robin Hood: Men
in Tights," may have had some real claim on historical accuracy. 
Many Robin Hood supporters were just appalled.  The Robin Hood
Society called the claims damaging to one of the great role
models for today's children.  (Reuters)
          [ Rob from the rich and give to the poor? 
          Sounds like a Democrat! ]


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ANOTHER GUN SAFETY ISSUE...
------------------------
     Attention Jose Muniz of Pasco, Washington.  For your own
safety, remember to buy a holster.  Just as soon as you get out
of the hospital.
     Police were called late Tuesday night to assist Muniz, after
he shot himself in his inner thigh while attempting to tuck a 22-
caliber gun in his waistband in true desperado style.  The 23-
year-old man had attempted to tell police that he had been shot
by someone else, a claim that fell apart when X-rays showed a
second bullet of much larger caliber lodged in Muniz's foot.
     Muniz then admitted that he had accidentally shot himself,
just as he had five years earlier while putting a .45 caliber
pistol down the back of his pants.  (AP)


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THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER...
----------------------
     There are only 146 dog breeds officially recognized by the
American Kennel Club.  Many of the dogs in its 'Miscellaneous'
breeds category are combinations of older dog breeds.  Here is a
list of new breeds proposed for AKC recognition:

   - Collie + Lhasa Apso
          Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

   - Spitz + Chow Chow
          Spitz-Chow, a breed that throws up a lot.

   - Pointer + Setter
          Poinsetter, likely to be a traditional Christmas pet.

   - Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
          Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

   - Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
          Peekasso, an abstract looking dog.

   - Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
          Irish Springer, a breed without that 'doggie smell.'

   - Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
          Lab Coat Retriever, the choice dog for research
          chemists.

   - Newfoundland + Basset Hound
          Newfound Asset Hound, perfect for financial advisors.

   - Terrier + Bulldog
          Terribull, a dog that is a challenge to own.

   - Bloodhound + Labrador
          Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

   - Malamute + Pointer
          Moot Pointer, a breed favored by lawyers.

   - Collie + Malamute
          Commute, a dog that travels with you to work.

   - Deerhound + Terrier
          Derriere, dogs are true to the end.

   - Bull Terrier + Shitzu
          [ Fill in the blank ] - The most unbelievable breed of
          all.


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© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.