Navigation & Music Control
 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #143 - 05/09/1999

MOM'S THE WORD!

Another Mother's Day.

Greetings, all!
     We owe so much to our moms.  Besides life itself, there are
all of the little things like cooking and cleaning and reminding
you to always wear clean underwear in case you should get in an
accident.  You might think, how could we ever repay a debt like
that?  (Not the underwear part - the other stuff.)  We can't, of
course!  Mom does so many different jobs that she functions like
a combination psychologist, office manager, shipping clerk and
transportation supervisor.  Someone that varied would have to be
in the pay range of a top manager or personal assistant, at
least.
     Fortunately, we can rely on the latest research by
professional job placement people for an estimate of how much
we'd have to pay mom, based on the things she does.  The study by
Ric Edelman Financial Services in Fairfax, Virginia found that,
"Since a mother wears many hats and is on duty 24 hours a day ...
a typical mother deserves a full-time yearly salary for 17 key
occupational positions."  The company's financial analysts
estimate that equals a salary of $508,700.
     Judsen Clubreth, the editor of "Working Mother" magazine
said it best, calling the half-million dollar salary figure "a
little low," noting that many mothers take on more positions than
listed in Edelman's study.
     It's a good thing we don't have to pay mom to do all of the
things she does.  We couldn't afford her!
     This being Mother's Day, the moms really should go first. 
So, Thanks to Moms:  Donna Becwar; Carol Becwar; Caterina Sukup;
Laura Hong Li; Sylvia Libin He; Yasmin Leischer; Fumiko Umino;
Beth Butler; Yukari Kawabata and Ellen Peterson.  Also Thanks to
you non-moms, including Jerry Taff, Tomoko Naito, Timothy T.
McChain, Nnamdi Elleh, Bob Martens, Kerry Miller, Kristi Baum and 
Akiko Inagaki.  Our best to you moms out there, and to your moms,
too!  Thanks for knowing where we should be and what we should be
doing.  And for the clean underwear.
     Have A Great Week!

--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

          "In every dispute between parent and child, both
     cannot be right, but they may be, and usually are, both
     wrong.  It is this situation which gives family life
     its peculiar hysterical charm."
                            - Isaac Rosenfeld

--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

INCONCEIVABLE!
-------------
     Rarely is sex talked about so openly as it was early last
month...  The rush was on - among some folks anyway - to conceive
in time to have a baby exactly on January 1, 2000.  All over the
world, couples took the extraordinary step of announcing the
attempt to have a "Y2K baby."
     From Spain to Malaysia to the United States, radio stations
held first-baby-of-2000 contests, and couples were offered free
hotel rooms, a traditional Malay love potion called "tongkat
ali," or even Barry White records, to aid in the attempt.  April
10th was considered by many experts to have been the ideal day to
conceive.
     On the likely day in Britain, the Independent Television
Network showed a two-hour long program called "Birth Race 2000"
consisting of romantic movies interspersed with tips on
conception.
     Meanwhile, the Romanian newspaper "Evenimetul" urged readers
to "get to work" promising that the country's first baby of 2000
would win a prize equivalent to seven year's salary.  That's
nice, but it doesn't sound quite as wonderful when you realize
how poor Romania is these days.  The prize is really only about
$6,800 U.S.
     Even in the normally conservative mountain regions of
Norway, nursery schools in the town of Sel stayed open for free
all weekend so their parents could devote time to their future
children.
     Obstetrics expert Dr. Timothy Cathey said that all of this
activity was amusing, but that parents shouldn't expect that
choosing the correct day will ensure that the baby will be born
on schedule.  Babies make their first appearance when they are
ready, not on a set timetable.
     According to Dr. Cathey, "It's an inexact science."
     But that hasn't stopped hopeful parents on the quest to have
the first baby and win fabulous prizes.
     "I guess it's normally not so public," said Saundra
Mendalka, a participant in one contest sponsored by a Boston
radio station.  "I called my mother and I said, 'How does it feel
to have a daughter that's going to be in the public and everybody
knows that she's going to have sex tomorrow?'"  (Reuters)
          [ " Just like Madonna's mother, dear..." ]

--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

DEPARTMENT OF GUILT ENHANCEMENT...
-------------------------------
     A man calls his mother in Florida. 
     "How are you, Mom?"
     "Not too good," says the mother.  "I've been very weak."
     "What's wrong?  Why are you so weak?" the man asks.
     "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
     The man says, "That's terrible Mom.  "Why haven't you
eaten?!"
     "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if
you should call."


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE...
------------------------
     Nursing students at Francis Tuttle Vocational School in
Oklahoma City got more from their classroom instruction in
obstetrics than they ever imagined.  They thought that the day
would be only another dull pharmacology exam - until one of their
classmates suddenly went into labor.  Student Elizabeth Atoyebi
had intended to take the exam, but her baby had other ideas.
     Student and instructors then had an unscheduled practical
lab on emergency childbirth, resulting in the successful birth of
a healthy baby boy.
     And the school offered baby Michael free tuition, if he ever
decides to follow his mom's career.  (AP)


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

MOM, THE COMFORTER...
------------------
     One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother
was tucking her small son into bed.  She was about to turn off
the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will
you sleep with me tonight?" 
     The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't
dear," she said.  "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
     A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice
saying, "The big sissy!"


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

BABY DIAPERS - A NEW SOURCE OF ENERGY?
-------------------------------------
     New mom Jill Furlong of Lakenheath, England has changed
hundreds of diapers since her son Joshua was born a year ago. 
But nothing prepared her for what she saw last month.  As her
baby slept peacefully, green sparks were flying out of his
diaper.
     "I had no idea what was happening and thought he was going
to burst into flames," the 31-year-old mother said.  "It was
extremely scary and worrying."
     As frightening as the light show was to his mom, Joshua
didn't seem to mind - it obviously wasn't causing him any pain. 
It didn't even disturb his sleep.
     Diaper makers puzzled over the situation before experiments
showed it was just a form of triboluminescence, a harmless,
common effect that generates light without heat.  It's rarely
seen in diapers, but scientists noted that even wintergreen hard
candies (such as Life Savers) can sometimes make green flashes
under the right conditions.
     Not completely reassured, mom Furlong has decided to change
diaper brands, just it case.  (Reuters)
          [ No word on whether the diaper manufacturer
          is going to promote their brand as "the
          nappies with the built-in night light." ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

POINT OF VIEW...
-------------
     A three-year-old was putting his shoes on by himself. 
     His mother noticed the left shoe was on his right foot.  She
said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." 
     He looked up at her with an odd expression and said, "Don't
kid me, Mom, I know they're my feet."


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

I'D LIKE ONE MELON, SIZE 34C, PLEASE
------------------------------------
     The Tesco food store chain in Britain conducted a study
recently to find why people buy certain kinds of food items.  Of
course, their motive is to find what people like so they can sell
more.  The results of the study were not quite what they
expected.
     The London Daily Telegraph reported that the market research
caused the food chain to buy smaller melons.  Why?  Because the
study showed that women subconsciously compared the size of
melons to ...  I'm really trying to think of another way to say
this.  There isn't one.  The psychologists say that women compare
melons to the size of their breasts, and that the current trend
to favor smaller bust sizes also favors smaller cantaloupes and
honeydews.
     Seven out of ten women questioned agreed breast size was
"the most likely subconscious factor when selecting size of
melon," according to the study.
     "We were very surprised by the results of the market
research," the newspaper quoted a Tesco spokesman.  "But it's
certainly produced results.  Since we introduced smaller melons
two months ago we have sold more than a million."  (Reuters)
          [ Do we dare ask how women buy bananas? ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

LOST AND FOUND DEPARTMENT...
-------------------------
     A young couple in Kawasaki, Japan came up with a novel plan
so they could make a late-night stop at a Chinese restaurant;
they put their five-month-old daughter in a coin locker at the
train station.
     Unfortunately for the couple, rescue workers were called to
when a woman passing the locker about 1 A.M. heard the baby
crying.  All of the police and fire commotion brought the parents
out of the restaurant, which was near the station.  Neither the
twenty-three-year-old father nor his 24-year-old wife have been
charged with a crime at this point.
     "The two have not been arrested because at this point we can
only charge them with poor judgement," a police spokesman said. 
He added that police will continue to investigate.  (Reuters)
          [ Mening that there's still some chance that
          the parents will be spending time in a small,
          windowless room made of metal. ]

--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

MOMMY, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF ... ?
--------------------------------------

     Amnesia             What did you just ask me?

     Apathy              I don't care.

     Dyslexia            Beeing Sackwards

     Egotistical         I'm the best person in the world to
                         answer that question.

     Evasive             Go do your homework.

     Hostility           If you ask me one more question, I'll
                         kill you!

     Ignorance           I don't know.

     Indifference        It doesn't matter.

     Insomnia            I stayed awake all last night thinking
                         of the answer.

     Narcissism          Before I answer, don't I look great?

     Paranoid            You think I don't know the answer, don't
                         you?

     Procrastination     I'll tell you tomorrow.

     Repetition          I already told you the answer before.

     Self-Centered       Well, I know the answer, that's all that
                         matters.

     Over-Protective     I don't know if you're ready for the
                         answer.

     Suspicious          Why are you asking me all these
                         questions?


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

PROFESSIONAL WOMAN...
------------------
     A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at
school, another mother I knew well, rushed up to me.  Emily was
fuming with indignation.
     "Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded.
     Before I could answer - and I didn't really have one handy -
she blurted out the reason for her question.
     She had just returned from renewing her driver's license at
the County Clerk's office.  Asked by the woman recorder to state
her occupation," Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify
herself.
     "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "Do you have a
job, or are you just a... ?"
     "Of course I have a job," snapped Emily.  "I'm a mother."
     "We don't list 'mother' as an occupation.  'Housewife'
covers it," said the recorder emphatically.
     I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in
the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.
     The Clerk asked: "And what is your occupation?"
     What made me say it, I do not know.  The words simply popped
out. 
     "I'm ... a Research Associate in the field of Child
Development and Human Relations."
     The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid-air, and
looked up as though she had not heard right.  I repeated the
title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words.  Then I
stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in
bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
     "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what
you do in your field?"
     Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard
myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what
mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I
would have said indoors and out).
     I'm working toward my Masters (the whole family) and already
have four credits (all daughters).  Of course, the job is one of
the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to
disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). 
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers
and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money."     
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as
she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to
the door.
     As I drove into our driveway buoyed up by my glamorous new
career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - age 13, 7, and 3. 
And upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model (six
months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal
pattern.  I felt triumphant.  I had scored a beat on bureaucracy. 
     And I had gone down on the official records as someone more
distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another..."
                            - From the web, Author Unknown


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.