WRITE OFFS

Some Things Are Write Strange...

Greetings, fellow writers!
     If speech is the form of communication that made
civilization possible, writing is what allows us to avoid
making exactly the same mistakes in every generation.  Despite
the rapid advances in modern communication, writing is still
the king of all media.  You are reading this from a screen (or
from a computer printer), but the words would still be the same
if written on parchment.  Of course, doing Funnies on sheepskin
would be a lot harder on the sheep.
     Writing gives us a look into the thoughts of people long
dead, giving them a special kind of immortality.  Because the
scribes of 1st and 2nd Century Rome were busy scratching down
all the details of daily life, we know more about Rome in the
days of Caesar than we do of the same city five hundred years
later.  We even have snippets of ancient gossip.  Now, think
about that.  Wouldn't you hate to think that the only surviving
record of our time might be a transcript of some trashy talk
show?
     Writing is hard work.  Many people buy computers each year
with the idea that it will improve their writing.  The machines
are wonderful and they do make the mechanical part of the
process easier.  But beating the ideas into some kind of sense
is still the hardest part of writing.  We still sit puzzling -
even agonizing - over exactly which word sounds best.  But,
whether with a computer, a quill pen on parchment, or paint on
the walls of an ancient pyramid, writing doesn't always go the
way the author intended.  Words are so easily misunderstood. 
Fortunately for us, the results are often funny.
     This electronic form of the old letters is certainly
better in one way: it makes it possible to be in nearly instant
contact with our friends and supporters from all over the
world, this week including: Jerry Taff, Lydia Cheong Chu-Ling,
Nnamdi Elleh, Timothy T. McChain, Etsuko Hori, Yuki Izumikawa,
Fumiko Umino, Sylvia Libin He, Carol Becwar, Kerry Miller,
Peter Adler, Harry Cherkinian, Bob Martens and The Peterson's.
Nearly instant Thanks to all of you for your friendship,
support and contributions.  Now if I can get this out quickly
enough, maybe I'll be able to write some of those letters I've
been meaning to finish...
     Have a Write Fine Week,


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HOW TO WRITE GOOD
-----------------
     You too can become a successful writer by following these
simple little rules:

  -  Do not put statements in the negative form.

  -  A writer must not shift your point of view.

  -  Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

  -  Avoid annoying alliteration.

  -  Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

  -  Cliches are old hat.  Avoid them like the plague.

  -  Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

  -  Don't use no double negatives.

  -  Contractions aren't necessary.

  -  Correct speling is esential.

  -  Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

  -  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!!

  -  Be more or less specific.

  -  Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

  -  One-word sentences? Eliminate.

  -  Use apostrophe's correctly.

  -  And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

  -  The passive voice is to be avoided.

  -  Remember to never split an infinitive.

  -  Who needs rhetorical questions?

  -  Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


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SPAM (Stuff Posing As Messages)
-------------------------------
     If you're on the network long enough, you get SPAM... 
That is, unsolicited commercial Email - the electronic form of
junk mail.  Most of it is disposable and some of it is quite
offensive.  And then there's stuff like this, which almost
defies description.  I have left this just as I received it,
only leaving out the name of the spammer's company and URL:

------------------------------
From - Sat Dec 26 03:13:08 1998
To: billbb@comupserve.com Subject: Internet of safe form and
via satellite Orion I Message-Id: RAF1.15sp_25/12/98 08:53:33
PM_Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN charset=US-ASCII X-Mozilla-Status:
8001

My excuses if we bothered to him.

Internet of safe form and via satellite Orion I, with the 3,000
local call, joining points, anywhere in the world and flies by
Internet with the satellite Orion I.

If a joining point in its city exists and calling alli it flew
by Internet with the satellite Orion I

They do not make lack antennas, you call to the local node and
its call we processed via satellite.

See the information in
http://www.[xxxxx-xxxxx].com/worldconexion.html

If it wishes to buy a connection of test by a month 19,95 $,
envie a mail to sales@xxxxx-xxxxx.com and we will send a safe
form to him.

Equipment of aid

------------------------------
          [ That's all.  My guess is it was
          translated from Chinese to English by
          someone who only speaks Swedish... ]

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THE CAPTION FROM HELL...
---------------------
     "Wava Staab (left) and Rosie Dauner, both of Omaha, board
a Fun Tours bus, while Rosie Dauner stands behind. Both are
from Omaha.  (The other lady (in blue on the right) is Ruth
Nelson, but she's dead now.  It might be better to crop her out
of the picture.) (I need this picture back)"
                           -  an actual caption on a photo in
                              the local news section of the
                              Lincoln, Nebraska, Journal-Star

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IT TAKES TWO...
------------
     A rather tedious linguistics professor was lecturing to
his class one day about the fact that in many languages, such
as English, a double negative forms a positive, while in other
languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative.  "However," he pointed out, "in no language can a
double positive form a negative."
     A bored voice from the back of the room responded, "Yeah,
yeah..."  (New Yorker Magazine)


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HOW TO WRITE A COMMANDING LEAD SENTENCE
---------------------------------------
     "A sellout crowd of 19,040 stole the puck from Jamie
Huscroft at the right side of the Boston goal and jammed a shot
past goalie Blaine Lacher."  (Trenton, New Jersey, Times)
          [ 19,000 to 1?  The goalie never had a
          chance... ]

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AND NOW, THE AWARD FOR...
----------------------
     Authors love to win contests.  It's a great way to promote
your writing and have people recognize you work.  But best
selling British writer Sebastian Faulks has at least one
literary prize he could do without - the Bad Sex Prize.
     London's "Literary Review" awards the prize based on
readers' votes, and last year, Faulks won as writer of the
year's most laughable description of sex.  That is an
achievement, considering that the Starr Report was the other
main candidate.
     Faulks' latest novel, "Charlotte Gray," includes the
classic lines:  "Meanwhile her ears were filled with the sound
of a soft but frantic gasping and it was some time before she
identified it as her own."  And later the same character says,
"This is so wonderful I feel I might disintegrate, I might
break into a million fragments."  (Reuters)
          [ Maybe it was "A dark and stormy night?" ]


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IS ANYTHING EVER REALLY "FREE?"
-----------------------------
     "Located in University Health Services, the Blue Bus
clinic offers free sexually transmitted disease to students."
     (University of Wisconsin-Madison Badger Herald)


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STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSE'S MOUTH, OR SOMETHING...
---------------------------------------------
     When Hong Kong's new $20 billion airport opened recently
officials were embarrassed to discover that almost nothing in
the new airport worked quite right.  They promised the
government a full investigation, and got right on it.  Now,
almost a year later, the 702-page report is out, detailing the
airport's problems and the steps taken to improve the
situation.  I think.  The document uses 228 different acronyms,
some of which are pretty obscure.  It took me a long time to
figure out that when they said "cute," they actually meant
"Common User Terminal Equipment."  Here, you give it a try on
this section on solving problems with slow emergency response
to an airport patron who was having chest pains:
     "AA and FSD are arranging a direct line to be installed
between FSCC and ACC so that, in future, requests for ACC
escort vehicle do not have to go through AMFSRC."  (Reuters)
          [ Well, that certainly clears that up! ]


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TOWER OF EUROBABBLE...
-------------------
     A unified Europe has been the dream of many for
generations.  But now comes the practical part.  In order to
avoid appearing to favor one language or another, the
Eurobosses have written reams of new regulations in what sounds
like Late High Moronic.
     See if you can figure out these common references:
"intermodal transport systems," "mucous membranes of the oral
cavity," and "grain eating units."
     If you guessed "Busses," "gums" and "sheep" respectively,
then you too can become a Eurocrat.
     While there is always going to be a certain level of
language confusion, things have become so bad that the European
Union's own translation service has published new guidelines on
clear language.  "Too much abstract language may make your
reader suspect that something real and unpalatable is being
wrapped up in verbiage," the guidelines say.
     My guess is that the new rules arrived too late to stop
the bureaucrats recent use of "horizontal lending instruments,"
"diagonal cumulations" and "subsidiarity," whatever they meant
by that.  (AP)


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SKULE DAZE
----------
     The city of Houston, Texas has been working hard to
improve its city schools, and they have had some success.  So
much so that the city printed a booklet publicizing the
programs and services available to young people.
     The 14-page brochure was written by the mayor's
$67,000-a-year director for youth services.  But only a small
number of the 2,500 booklets printed had been distributed
before the city noticed a few irregularities.  There were many
mistakes in basic grammar.  And the pamphlet had a few
misspellings - difficult words like "library," "teaches" and
"national."
     The remaining copies of the bewildering booklet have been
discarded.  "That document is a poor document and I would not
feel good about giving it to anyone," said Donald
Hollingsworth, an executive assistant to Houston's mayor. 
(Reuters)


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HIGHER EDUKATION...
----------------
     Also having a problem with spelling was the Univeristy of
Iowa.  Yes, I did mean to say Univeristy, since that's exactly
the way the school's name appeared on all of the civil and
mechanical engineering degrees awarded last year.
     The UNIVERSITY later apologized for the goof, saying,
"We're terribly embarrassed about this. This should never have
happened." 
     "I'm not sure about the program that prints out diplomas.
It might not have spell check," one university spokesperson
said.
          [ Well, that's the last time they trust the
          English Department to print diplomas... ]

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THE SPELL CHEQUER
-----------------

          I have a spell chequer
          It came with my pea sea.
          It plainly marquees four my revue
          Miss steaks eye cannot sea.

          When I strike a quay or right
          A word, I weight four it too say
          Weather eye am wrong oar write.
          It shows me strait a weigh.

          As soon as a mist steak is maid,
          It noes bee fore two long.
          And eye can put the error write.
          Its hard lay ever wrong.

          I've run this poem threw it,
          I'm shore your pleased two no.
          Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
          My chequer tolled me sew!

                         (Sauce unknown)

               Courtesy of The Writer's Bookshelf at:
               http://www.familyhaven.com/books/writers.html


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