ARMED AND CONSIDERED RIDICULOUS!

Stupid Criminal Stories

Greeting, Crimefighters...
     The TV shows and movies have it wrong.  They always seem to
picture the criminal class as both clever and dangerous.  Some
criminals are truly dangerous, but it is most often the danger of
stupidity.  They may be able to shoot, but most crooks seem to
have a difficult time getting their neurons to fire.
     Now there are a few really smart crooks, "Slick Willie"
Sutton for one.  Known for his intelligence and disguises, he was
one of America's top bank robbers in the 1940's.  He also spent
about half of his adult life in jail.  He later admitted that
taking to a life of crime was one of the stupidest things he ever
did.
     Reading through the stories in this week's Funnies, it is
clear that crime is stupid for these folks, too.  It is a little
comforting to know that so many of these crooks can be so foolish
so much of the time.
     Thanks this week to our deputies: Jerry Taff, Fumiko Umino,
Eva Yuhwa Lu, The Peterson's, Beth Butler, Nancy Wohlge, Naomi
Ogawa, Peter Adler, Timothy McChain, Harry Cherkinian, Dale
Frederickson, Akiko Ogino, Dick Ginkowski, Sue Yan and Carol
Becwar.  Thanks to all of you for your contributions and support. 
Now let's see what the criminal element is up to...
     Have a Great Week!


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PLANNING AHEAD...
--------------
     Todd Boucino of Miami Beach, Florida pulled off a robbery of
the Washington Avenue Branch of NationsBank.  And that's the last
thing that went right for him that day.
     For one thing, the robbery made enough of a commotion to
alert an off-duty police officer.  And taxi drivers, seeing the
commotion wouldn't stop for him, despite his frenzied waving. 
Did I mention that the bank branch is just down the street from a
district police station?
     Boucino, still on foot, found himself being chased by a
parade of officers as reinforcements poured out of the station
house and even a snack bar where officers eat lunch.  He was
arrested as he tried to hail another cab nearby.  (Reuters)
          [ So much for never having a cop around when
          you need one... ]


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LEADING BY EXAMPLE...
------------------
     It was a happier Christmas for 33 prisoners in the Federal
prison system as President Clinton gave the lucky cons
presidential pardons last Christmas Eve.  A third of the
prisoners were there because of minor drug offenses, some were
AWOL soldiers, and, yes, several convicted of perjury.  (UPI)
          [ His Starr falling, Clinton tries to Hyde. ]


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REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE...
---------------------------
     For some unknown reason, Michael Robinson called in a bomb
threat to police in England.  While delivering the threat, he
became concerned about the length of time the call was taking,
and how expensive his phone bill would be.  So he told police to
"Call me back," and gave them his phone number.


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CHOOSE YOUR WEAPONS...
-------------------
     Since most serious crime involves threat, and attempting to
make another person do something they are not inclined to do, a
weapon of some kind is usually employed.  But not like these:


     Karen Lee Joachimmi tried to rob a Howard Johnson's Motel in
Lake City, Florida.  She was caught and arrested, possibly
because her weapon of choice was an electric chain saw, which was
not plugged in.

   ----------

     Just as unsuccessful was George Foster, who attempted to
hold up a Wal-Mart Store in Branford, Connecticut.  When he
pointed an object hidden in a paper bag at a clerk and demanded
money, the clerk refused.  Foster fled the store, and was stopped
by police as he was driving away.  The object in the bag turned
out to be a hand-held vacuum cleaner.
     "We're holding the Dustbuster as evidence," said police Lt.
Arthur Kohloff.
     Besides the robbery charge, police found that Foster was
driving with a suspended license, so they happily added that
charge to the list.  (AP)
          [ Further proof that nature hates a vacuum. ]


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DISTINGUISHING MARKS...
--------------------
     In crime, distinctive appearance is bad, because it makes it
all that much easier for the cops to find you.  Police in
Toronto, Ontario had the perfect description of a man wanted in a
string of bank robberies.  According to Detective Mike Earl,
witnesses to the various crimes kept describing the fugitive as
looking and acting just like the TV cartoon character Homer
Simpson.
     Gary Hammond, 28, of North York was arrested on charges of
bank theft.
          [ And unlawfully impersonating a cartoon
          character?  DOH! ]

  ----------

  ARRESTED FOR WAVING...
  -------------------
     Police arrested Cawayne Brown after he stepped from an
apartment building in Wilmington, Delaware and gave a friendly
wave to a police officer he knew.  Police were in the area
looking for the robber that had stolen money from a nearby bank,
then had abandoned the money when dye packs in the hot cash went
off.  Brown was arrested  when officers saw his fluorescent
orange hands.  (AP)
          [ He was caught orange-handed. ]

  ----------

  GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEMININE SIDE
  --------------------------------------
     Police allege that Florida businessman Douglas Patak was the
bandit who held up First Federal Savings in Live Oak, Florida
while dressed in a woman's black wig, red lipstick and pale
foundation makeup.
     Despite the female disguise, tellers identified Patak as the
bandit since he was a regular customer of the bank and because
the bank bandit made a getaway in Patak's distinctive red
Mercedes.  (Reuters)

  ---------

     And, Englishman Henry Smith found himself under arrest
moments after returning home with a stolen stereo.  It was easy
to identify Henry as the thief, since he has a tattoo on his
forehead.  Even more distinctive is that the capital letters
spell "HENRY SMITH."
     "My client is not a very bright young man," his lawyer
explained to the court later.
          [ Those Brits, always so good with
          understatement... ]

  ---------

     Maybe Henry will be sharing a cell with another Englishman,
Paul Monkton, who used his service truck as a getaway vehicle. 
The fact that it had his name and phone number on the side in
foot-high letters never occurred to him.


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FASHION MISTAKE...
---------------
     One distinct problem with the criminal mind is that it seems
very goal-oriented.  Once they reach their short-term goal, they
seem to go from goal-oriented to dis-oriented in short order.
     That was certainly true of the 16-year-old by who escaped
from a juvenile detention center in Sylmar, California last
April.  After weeks of planning, he made his escape by kicking
out a window in the center's infirmary.
     Police caught up with him a short time later as he waited in
line at a McDonald's, still wearing the distinct bright-orange
clothes stenciled "Juvenile Hall" across the chest.
          [ Caught orange-suited? ]


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THE CASE OF THE SELF-CAPTURING ESCAPEE...
--------------------------------------
     It all started when Mark Conover showed up late for a court
hearing in Harris County, Texas.  Then the judge revoked his
bail.  And that's when Conover made a break for freedom.  Running
out of the courtroom, he sprinted down a hallway with three
doors.  He chose door number three.  Bad choice - it was a
prisoner holding cell with no inside doorknob and it locked
behind him.
     "He was embarrassed," Bailiff Toby Devine said. 
     It got worse.  Conover had been facing the minor charge of
driving with a suspended license.  Now he faces felony jailbreak
charges carrying a minimum 25-year sentence.


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CONSPIRACY THEORIES...
-------------------
     A series of very odd thefts in widely separated places
begins to look like a conspiracy:

   - Sometime between March and May of last year, thieves in
     Bytow, Poland stole an 18-ton steel bridge.

   - Around the same time in Liverpool, England, someone stole a
     250-foot-long cobblestone street (85 meters - over 5,000
     stones).

   - It was also last May that thieves stole the entire left
     field fence of a Little League baseball field in Soquel,
     California.

It almost sounds like someone is trying to steal enough pieces to
build a village.


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THE MIGHTY HUNTER...
-----------------
     Even though it was illegal, Marino Malerba had the perfect
shot at a stag that was standing silhouetted on a rock outcrop
above him, and took his shot.  The dying stag fell off of the
overhang on top of Malerba, killing him.
          [ Soon to be a TV movie, "Bambi's Revenge." ]


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CRIMINALS IN THE CRAPPER...
------------------------
     Several stories in Funnies have led me to believe that
criminals have a fatal fascination with toilets.  But toilets
generally have only one entrance - hiding in a dead end is always
a dumb idea.
     Take Miguel Rodriguez (and other aliases) in New Bedford,
Connecticut who was wanted on several charges.  When police tried
to pull him over after he missed a stop sign, he refused to stop,
leading police on a chase that ended when he dumped the car in a
parking lot.  Now on foot, Rodriguez jumped over a wall, which
was actually a highway overpass with a twenty foot drop. 
Rodriguez broke his ankle in the fall.
     Police found Rodriguez in a nearby construction site,
attempting to hide in a blue "Sani-Kan" portable toilet.
     The "Occupied" sign was a dead giveaway.  (AP)
          [ The coppers had no problem flushing him
          out. ]

  ----------

     Timber Morrow had several problems.  Police had tried to
stop him on suspicion that he was driving drunk.  He had shot at
them.  They had chased him for seven miles.  He had abandoned the
car near McMinnville, Oregon and ran off across a field.  They
were still after him.  And the worst problem of all:  poor choice
of footwear.
     The field Morrow had sprinted into turned out to be very
muddy, causing his cowboy-style boots to come off in the mud. 
Police found the boots hopelessly stuck.  They found Morrow, too,
sitting in a nearby outhouse trying to wrap toilet paper around
his feet to replace the missing boots.
     Morrow was charged with weapons charges, attempted assault,
unauthorized use of a vehicle, eluding officers and violating
probation.  Which means he'll be doing most of his running in a
prison yard for quite a long while.  (AP)


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MONEY IS MONEY, RIGHT?
---------------------
     David Posman allegedly stole $800 in a lightning robbery of
an armored car by knocking out the driver and stealing the
nearest four bags of money.
     His success was only limited by the fact that the $800 in
those bags was in pennies.  Police were able to catch up with him
easily as he staggered away under the 120 pound (50 kg.) load.
          [ This guy needs to make a change... ]


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POSITIVE I.D.
------------
     Criminals are most successful when they work anonymously. 
Alleged burglar Jose Sanchez found that out the hard way.  Police
claim that Sanchez needed to be sure the door to the Hill-Rom
Corporation in Pennsauken, New Jersey wouldn't fully close while
he was inside.  So the thief folded up a scrap of paper and used
it to jam the catch.  Unfortunately, the paper he used turned out
to be a ticket issued to Sanchez for driving with a cracked
windshield - including his name and address.


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THE WEED OF CRIME BEARS STUPID FRUIT...
------------------------------------
     A guy in Conyers, Georgia called police and reported his car
stolen.  The car, one of the fancier Mercedes models, came
equipped with an electronic tracking device to prevent car theft. 
When the police activated the electronic tracer, they quickly
located the Mercedes - hidden in the guy's basement.
     He has been arrested on insurance fraud charges.


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GOING FOR THE RECORD...
--------------------
     Rochester, New York, December of last year.

     3:28 AM   -    Police receive a 911 call from a woman who
                    heard thieves starting her car.  She was sure
                    it was hers, because her car has a defective
                    choke and it makes a distinctive noise.

     3:29 AM   -    911 dispatches the call to Sgt. Mike Martin,
                    who immediately saw a car fitting the
                    description turning into the parking lot of a
                    Perkin's Restaurant.  As he watched, a second
                    car carrying the thief's accomplice also
                    pulls into the lot.  Martin observed the two
                    men run into the restaurant in order to blend
                    in with the crowd.

     3:30 AM   -    Suspects in custody.  Since there are very
                    few restaurants open at that time of night,
                    and very few patrons, the restaurant crowd
                    consisted of several state troopers and a
                    Monroe County sheriff's deputy.  (AP)


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COMBATTING CAR THEFT...
--------------------
     One statistic that gets repeated quite often is the fact
that the 1986 Chevrolet Camaro was the most commonly stolen car
in the U.S. for the years 1988 to 1991.  Statistically, one in
five of these cars ended up stolen, making it a serious insurance
risk.
     Not quite as well known is the statistic for the LEAST
stolen car for the same period - the Daihatsu Shanker.  Of the
243 Shankers sold in the U.S., none were stolen.  Not even the
one that was parked in front of a K-Mart for five straight hours
with the engine running and the words "Take me for a free test
ride" in red spray paint on the hood.
                            - (Thanks to Ben L.)


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