POWER FAILURES! (Part 1)

Bureaucracy and Government Follies

Hello Again, Fellow Members of the Proletariat!
     We often hate to admit it, but it does take a certain amount
of organization and rules to keep modern life working smoothly. 
So, as painful as it is to say this, we need bureaucrats to make
the rules.  So far so good, right?  But the rules aren't problem. 
It's following them when they don't make any sense that convinces
you that things are out of control.  Maybe a rule was a good idea
when first adopted, but no longer reflects reality.  Or maybe, a
set of rules have grown more complex over time until they have
become more expensive than the problems they were supposed to
fix.  Or, just maybe, the rule really was stupid and ill-
conceived from the start, and the folks that wrote it were out of
touch with the real world.
     Maybe the best illustration of a bureaucracy operating
strictly on internal logic is a quote from the director of a
local bus service in England who was being questioned before the
local city council.  The government was investigating complaints
from local citizens that buses were refusing to stop for people
waiting at bus shelters.  The bus company director had a ready
answer:  "It is impossible for the buses to remain on schedule if
they have to stop to pick up passengers."
     I hardly suspected the avalanche I would cause when I 
announced this topic last week.  It seems that everyone has a 
story of bureaucracy run amuck.  So this one is going to be a 
two part Sunday Funnies, with part two coming next week.    
Especially since this is Thanksgiving week, I want to be sure to 
Thank our friends and contributors: Jerry Taff, Dick Ginkowski, 
Timothy McChain, Sue Yan, Lydia Cheong Chu-ling, John Adler, 
Laura Hong Li, Sylvia Libin He, Kerry Miller, Caterina Sukup, 
Bruce Gonzo, Yasmin Leischer, Bob Martens, Howard Lesniak, Beth
Butler, Carol Becwar and Junji Taniguchi.  So, who really runs 
things?  I'm sorry, but that's a "blue level" question and you'll 
have to fill out Form 324-D, Sections A through F and submit it 
in triplicate by certified mail.  Any questions?
     Have An Uncomplicated Week!


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IRAQS IN HIS HEAD?
-----------------
     Nothing is more of a bureaucracy than an absolute
dictatorship.  And when the supreme leader lacks connection with
the rest of the world, he is likely to make decisions that look
REALLY stupid.  At least in places where he doesn't control the
press.  Take Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, for example.  Every
time it looks like U.N. sanctions are about to be lifted, he
makes some boneheaded decision that even his few allies can't
support.  For all of the noise Saddam and his crew make about the
suffering of Iraqi children under the sanctions, it's worthwhile
to take a peek at the list of "urgently required medical
supplies" Hussein is demanding as part of the oil-for-food deal
worked out with the U.N.:

   - a $126,000 dental laser used to whiten teeth

   - a $16,000 liposuction machine

          and -

   - silicone breast implants

     "Saddam Hussein's perverse priorities are to provide luxury
goods for his cronies rather than food and medicine for suffering
children," said British Foreign Office minister Tony Lloyd.  "The
U.N. would not of course approve these items at the expense of
more pressing needs."  (Reuters)
          [ Somehow, the list is strangely appropriate. 
          Take Saddam, whiten his teeth, suck the fat
          out from between his ears, and he's still the
          biggest boob in the Middle East. ]


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GETTING TIRED?
-------------
     Here's the procedure for a police officer in New York City
does when his or her patrol car needs a new tire:

     1.)  The officer fills out a Tire Replacement Request form.

     2.)  The form is sent to the Tire Integrity Unit

     3.)  When approved by the Tire Integrity Unit, the officer
          drives to a city maintenance facility and pick up a
          replacement tire.

     4.)  The officer takes the replacement tire to a city-
          approved garage to have it put on the car.

     5.)  The officer takes the old tire back to the police
          garage, along with the Tire Replacement request form.

     6.)  The officer's commander signs the Tire Request form,
          certifying that the tire is actually on the vehicle.

     For the year 1995, the New York Police Department spent
almost $500,000 just on the salaries involved in tire changes.


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     Boren's Laws Of A Bureaucracy:  
               (1) When in doubt, mumble.  
               (2) When in trouble, delegate.  
               (3) When in charge, ponder.
                            - James H. Boren, Founder of the
                              International Association of
                              Professional Bureaucrats 
                              [INATAPROBU]

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JUSTICE IS SERVED, BUT IT'S COLD BY THE TIME IT GETS THERE...
----------------------------------------------------------
     We often complain how slow and complicated American courts
are.  But we have nothing on India, where even the most trivial
case can grind along with the blinding speed of a glacier.  Take
the case of a lawyer's clerk who was recently found not guilty on
a technicality in a bribery case.  You thought the O.J. Case set
some kind of record for seeming to go on forever, right?  Not
even close.  This case was in court for over nine years.
     The charge?  A clerk who worked for New Delhi lawyer Manjit
Chawla was accused of offering a bribe to a judge's assistant,
in order to get a more favorable date for a hearing involving a
road accident.  Amount of the bribe?  Five Rupees - about 12
cents, U.S.  (Reuters)
          [ Just think if they had special prosecutors. 
          This whole Clinton scandal could be resolved
          in a just a few centuries. ]


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BUREAUCRACY THROUGH THE AGES... 
----------------------------
     Two years ago, a federal jury awarded Dr. Joyce Stratton of
New York City $1 million dollars.  Dr. Stratton had proved that
the government agency were she had worked for 21 years had
illegally fired her from her $51,000-a-year job, and replaced her
with a younger person.
     The agency she had worked for?  The New York City Department
for the Aging, which was set up to help the elderly secure
benefits and legal rights.


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POWER FAILURES...
--------------
     One recent trend by both governments and companies is to
save money by centralizing calls from many states in one
location.  They also tend to use voice mail systems so callers
have to fight their way through the tangle to get service.  These
systems present you with choice after choice, none actually
fitting the exact problem you are having, until you eventually
give up.  Maybe that's the idea.  
     During a recent windstorm, our friend Dick Ginkowski noticed
that his lights were blinking on and off repeatedly.  Checking
around the house, he found that a power line was on fire on a
pole about 100 feet (30 meters) south of his house.
     Discovering that both the telephone and cable TV service
were already dead, he grabbed his cell phone and dialed the
telephone company.  The repair service was a voice mail system,
with choice after choice suggesting that the problem is usually
with the wiring in your house.  (Of course; then YOU have to pay
to have it fixed.)
     After winding through choice after choice, he finally got a
real human being.  That person asked again - twice - how he was
so sure that the problem wasn't in his house.
     "Look, lady, the damn pole is on fire!  ...  If you'd have a
button for the pole being on fire, I'd push it."


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DEPARTMENT OF UNEXPECTED RESULTS
--------------------------------
     The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency does a worthy job
keeping America's rivers and streams clean, but sometimes they go
a little far.  When the EPA determined that there was a lead
pollution problem in Idaho's Silver Valley region, they ordered 71
different mining companies to submit full copies of all of their
paperwork - even letters and internal company memos.  For the
past 117 years.
     The president of one firm pointed out that there aren't
enough copy machines in the Western U.S. to accomplish this. 
Another suggested that the order was so crazy that the EPA
investigators "must not live on this planet."
     Critics have pointed out that between the paper, the copying
chemicals and the electricity needed to do the job, there would
be more pollution produced than the order was supposed to fix.

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     Acheson's Rule Of Bureaucracy:  A memorandum is written
     not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
                            - Dean Acheson 

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SO, WHAT IS IT YOU FOLKS DO HERE?
--------------------------------
     It's an official government department in Hong Kong and it
has a staff of four and a yearly budget of over HK$1 million
(about $128,000 U.S.).  So what does the Hong Kong Technical
Education and Training Department do?
     Nobody seems to be quite sure.
     "It is really difficult for outsiders to understand why we
have it," said Assistant department head Kelvin Chan Kut-fai. 
Hong Kong's Finance Branch was considering ways to deal with the
problem, since the department still appears in government
estimates.
     All the functions of the Training Department were shifted to
an independent body in 1991, leaving the agency with no apparent
role.  Even the agency's own web site claims that the office has
"no operational functions."  (Reuters)


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     Definition of an Elephant:  A mouse built to government
     specifications 

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CITIZEN SYLVIA
--------------
     Sylvia Stayton, a 63-year-old grandmother from Cincinnati,
Ohio was arrested and found guilty on the charge of obstructing
justice, for which the theoretical punishment is a maximum $750
fine and up to three months in jail.
     Her crime?  Putting coins in expired parking meters so the
car owners wouldn't be ticketed.

-----

     Also in the Cincinnati courts, prosecutors have decided to
drop jaywalking charges against 48-year-old Jeff Friedlander, who
was ticketed after being knocked down by a truck while crossing
the street.  Fortunately, he suffered only minor injuries in the
accident.  Prosecutors said that it was clear that Friedlander
had been crossing the street against the light and was not
walking in a marked crosswalk.
     Friedlander is blind.
     Even though Ohio law states that a blind person with a white
cane has the right-of-way and can cross anywhere, prosecutor
Charlie Rubenstein, in announcing that the city was dropping the
charges, said "this person technically was in violation."  The
truck driver was not cited.  (AP)
          [ It says here that justice is supposed to be
          blind, not stupid. ]

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WORD GAMES...
----------
     Companies play the bureaucracy game, too.  Especially when
they start playing with language in an attempt to avoid admitting
to bad news.  Companies have lately been more reluctant to
announce layoffs, since it makes them look unsuccessful in a
rising market.  They still show workers the door, of course, but
they don't lay anyone off.  Instead they use:

   - "involuntary separation from payroll" (Bell Labs),

   - "release of resources" (Bank of America),

   - "career change opportunity" (Clifford of Vermont),

   - "career transition" (GM),

   - "normal payroll adjustment" (Wal-Mart),

   - "focused reduction" (Tandem Computers) ,

   - "unassigned" (AT&T).


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     Adler's Law of Distinction:  
          "Language is all that separates us from the
          lower animals, and from the bureaucrats."

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DUCK AMUCK...
----------
     A British firm recently won a contract to supply breeding
ducks to farmers in Poland.  Of course the Polish government put
in it's two cents, ruling that the ducks would have to first be
tested at an independent Polish testing station.
     This is not as easy as you might think, since there are no
duck-testing facilities in Poland.  Worse, there are no standards
for just how to test a duck.  The British Trade and Industry
Committee concluded that Polish bureaucrats were trying these
tactics to protect a state-subsidized duck-breeding farm in
Poland from foreign competition.  (Reuters)
          [ If it walks like a duck and quacks like a
          duck, waddle it usually be? ]


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THOSE DAMNED DAMS...
-----------------
     Last December, the Michigan Department of Environmental
Quality, acting on the complaint of a neighbor, cited a landowner
in Montcalm County (Michigan) for "construction and maintenance
of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond."
     They demanded removal of the two dams, reminding the
landowner that official permission and permits for the dams had
not been issued and that the dams were "inherently dangerous." 
They warned that legal action would be taken if there was any
further "unauthorized activity."
     Investigation showed that the dams in question had been
built by beavers.
          [ The State of Michigan has not yet announced
          whether they will seek legal action against
          the beavers. ]

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