Hello again, Fellow Voters!
I hesitated doing anything on politics this year because of
real life. You have no idea how discouraging it is to realize
that I'll never be funnier than the Clinton presidency and the
circus surrounding it. While talking about the Starr Report's
descriptions of oral sex, Sam Donaldson had his eyebrows arched
so high that his toupee almost fell off. No amount of humorous
exaggeration or clever writing can get close to that. To
paraphrase Mark Twain, humor can't exceed truth because humor can
only cover what's possible.
It's election time here in the U.S. - and that's a warning.
It's the time of lie's, damned lies, and political ads. For the
next couple of days, we won't be able to turn on the TV without
hearing one partisan ad or another. Congress hurried to get
things wrapped up with the All-Starr Circus so they could get
back to campaign in their home districts. Or at least, hide out
in a Monica-free zone for a while. Good thing for the Congress
that the Communication Decency Act was struck down by the Supreme
Court, or they might have all been up on charges for publishing
the Bill & Monica story online. Have we really come to the point
when the U.S. Congress is in direct ratings competition with the
Jerry Springer Show? Our politicians seem to be trying to prove
the old joke about politics being the entertainment branch of the
legal profession.
When I'm feeling really down about this I think about
Senator and Astronaut John Glenn, who went back into space this
week. I think how nice it would be if all of the senators and
congresspeople were able to experience the wonders and
perspective of space flight, especially if the rest of us left
down here on Earth could choose which ones get to land again.
Special Thanks this week to Bill & Monica, for giving all of
us something to debate, and to our friends and contributors:
Laura Hong Li (Derek and Junog, too), Caterina Sukup, Jerry Taff,
Nnamdi Elleh, Sylvia Libin He, The Peterson Family, Beth Butler,
Peter Adler, John Adler, Carol Becwar, Bob Martens, Dale
Frederickson, Kerry Miller, Howard Lesniak and Sue Yan. Now get
out there and vote - it at least gives you the right to
complain...
Have a Great Week!
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
POLITICS 1998 - IRONIES IN THE FIRE
-----------------------------------
One reason that politicians hate journalists so much is that
we have this tendency to remember brash statements that they made
in the past. Things pinch a little when the shoe is on the other
foot:
"Yes, the president should resign. He has lied to the
American people, time and time again, and betrayed
their trust. He is no longer an effective leader.
Since he has admitted guilt, there is no reason to put
the American people through an impeachment. He will
serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his term;
the only possible solution is for the President to save
some dignity and resign."
- Bill Clinton, regarding President
Nixon in 1974
------------------
"Public media should not contain explicit or implied
descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged
of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic
material while pretending it has some redeeming social
value under the public's 'right to know'"
- Kenneth Starr, in a 1987 interview
with Dianne Sawyer
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
THE TELEVISION PRESIDENT
------------------------
Some people have noticed similarities between this year's
most popular movie video, "Titanic," and Clinton's grand jury
testimony video:
- Titanic: Available for $19.99 on the Internet
Clinton: Available for $9.99 on the Internet
- Titanic: over 3 hours long
Clinton: over 3 hours long
- Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a
subsequent catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
a subsequent catastrophe
- Titanic: Villain - White Star Line
Clinton: Villain - Ken Starr
- Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a B.S. artist
- Titanic: In one part of the story, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Same for Bill
- Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Same for Monica
- Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: *** [CENSORED] ***
- Titanic: Behind the scenes, Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly
popular
Clinton: Behind the scenes, Bill has a 70% approval rating
- Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
WANNA TRADE?
-----------
Many Americans are convinced that the best thing to do is
get rid of Bill Clinton. Well, has Martin Lee got a deal for
you. Lee, the chairman of Hong Kong's Democratic Party said that
he'd like to trade Hong Kong's chief executive, Tung Chee Hwa,
for Clinton, sex scandal and all.
"In Hong Kong we have a chief executive who has an extremely
moral character, but has shown absolutely no leadership," Lee
announced.
An outspoken critic of Hong Kong's new leaders, Lee and
other pro-democracy candidates scored a stunning victory in last
May's elections for the Hong Kong legislature - the first
elections held in the former British colony since China assumed
control in 1997.
And what does Lee think will ultimately happen to Clinton?
"The American people will decide, which is what democracy is
all about." (Reuters)
[ How about taking Bill, Newt and two
Congressmen to be named later? ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
PRIOR QUALIFICATIONS
--------------------
Larry Flynt, publisher of notoriously raunchy pornographic
magazines, offered Special Prosecutor Ken Starr a job, once he's
done with the Clinton investigation. In a open letter, Flynt
offered Starr the position of "adviser on pornography," with his
publishing company.
"The quality and quantity of material you have assembled in
the Starr report contains more pornographic references than those
provided by Hustler Online services this month," Flynt said in a
letter to Starr. He further stated that he thought the
widespread availability of the report would increase acceptance
of pornographic material in society.
Flynt pointed out that this month's "Hustler" magazine, for
example, had 44 graphic references to genitalia, while the Starr
report had 50, Flynt wrote. (Reuters)
[ Ken Starr was reported to have replied,
"Close, but no cigar." when asked about his
possible interest in the offer. ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
ELECTION EMBARRASSMENTS
-----------------------
THE I FEEL YOUR PAIN AWARD TO:
-----------------------------
Newell Daughtrey, Democratic candidate for Florida
state comptroller - the state's top financial office -
revealed that that he owed $52,000 on 23 different
credit cards.
----------
THE NEWT GINGRICH SPEAKER'S FEE AWARD TO:
----------------------------------------
The People's Republic of Vietnam, who recently revised
ethics rules to put a cap on the outrageous fees given
to politicians for speaking to various civic groups.
The new rules cap appearance fees at 100,000 dong for
national speakers and 30,000 dong for politicians in
local offices. That's $7.60 and $2.30, respectively,
by the way.
----------
THE NOTHING TO HIDE AWARD TO:
----------------------------
Paula Sage, a 39-year-old attorney, who's a candidate
for associate district judge in the Oklahoma county of
Pottawatomie. Anonymous flyers appeared which included
a photo taken at a private Halloween party in 1990
showing the candidate for judge topless.
----------
THE CHICAGO MACHINE AWARD TO:
----------------------------
The State of Florida. State officials doing a computer
check of voter records found that voter registration
rolls included over 50,000 convicted felons, 47,000
people registered to vote in more than one community
and 17,702 dead people.
----------
GHOST VOTER AWARD TO:
--------------------
Texas state legislator Larry Evans, who was found dead
in his apartment in 1991, apparently having died quite
some time before. Quite a surprise, since Evans was
listed as having voted on at least one bill the day he
was found.
----------
WORST CAMPAIGN STRATEGY AWARD TO:
--------------------------------
Byron Low Tax Looper, Property Assessor for Putnam
County, Tennessee, who has been arrested and charged
with the murder of his political opponent, State
Senator Tommy Burks. A worker on Burk's farm fingered
Looper as the assailant who shot Burk on October 19th.
Looper was already under indictment for misuse of
office and theft, and a defendant in a civil lawsuit
brought by a former girlfriend, who charged that Looper
had illegally transferred ownership of her home to
himself. And yes, "Low Tax" is really his middle name;
he legally changed it from Anthony earlier this year in
a political move. Looper pleaded innocent to the
charges.
----------
MOST EMBARRASSING LOSS AWARD TO:
-------------------------------
Don Carroll, Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate in
Oklahoma, who was forced into a runoff ballot after his
opponent, Jacquelyn Ledgerwood, won 20% of the vote,
despite her failure to campaign for the seat. That
would have been difficult, since Ledgerwood died more
than a month before the primary. (By the way,
Legerwood did even better in the September runoff
election, commanding 25% of the vote).
----------
LEAST EFFECTIVE MUDSLINGING AWARD TO:
------------------------------------
Diane Ellis, Democratic candidate for a seat in
Florida's House of Representatives, complained to state
election monitors that her opponent, Republican Gus
Bilirakis was dead, and that an actor was fraudulently
impersonating him. In a poorly written letter faxed to
Citizens for Fair Campaign Practices in Pinellas
County, Florida, she claimed that: "My Republican
candidate Gus Bilirakis is a fake. His name is Danny
Divito/New York from Washington D.C. 40 years of age -
Greek..." Bilirakis denied the claim that he was dead.
He further joked that, since he is quite short, Ellis
may have been referring to Danny DiVito, the well-known
actor.
----------
DICTATOR'S HALL OF FAME AWARD TO:
--------------------------------
Charles King, the incumbent dictator of Liberia in
1928, who won an election over his opponent, Thomas
Faulkner by over 600,000 votes. At the time, Liberia
had only 15,000 registered voters.
----------
THE REGULAR GUY AWARD TO:
------------------------
Phillipine President Joseph Estrada, who recently gave
up his chauffeur and started driving his own car to
work. Popular former actor Estrada is known for his
unpretentious style. He dislikes the Presidential
Palace and continues to live in his own home, often
answering the phone himself, rather than relying on a
secretary. Estrada also has a habit of slipping away
from formal banquets, preferring to eat at home with
his wife. And, at a recent central bank anniversary
celebration, he joined a choir singing some of his
favorite songs.
----------
WORST POLITICAL ADVICE Award to:
-------------------------------
Vladimir Zhirinovsky, the nutball Russian politician
known locally as "Mad Vlad," offered his advice to
President Clinton on how to handle the Lewinsky scandal
- stay home and marry Monica. Zhirinovsky ventured that
Clinton shouldn't be allowed to visit the Russian
Chamber of Deputies, stating that: "We, as individuals
with high moral character, would prefer not to meet a
person who still can't sort out his relationship with
his secretary," It should be pointed out that the
"highly moralistic" Zhirinovsky once beat a female
deputy on the floor of parliament, has had numerous
drunken confrontations, promotes a brand of vodka with
his face on the label, and made a film in which he
fooled around with a group of naked women.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 1998 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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