THE APRIL FOOLS!

More folks from the Dumb and Dumber File...

Hi again, folks!
     Almost all of us will admit to having done a few stupid
things in our lives.  Whether it's a bad investment, a mistaken
career path or some minor driving disaster, we have all had
moments that make us wonder if we are as smart as we believe. 
Last week, for example, I sent out a Funnies with a missing word
in one article, the result of re-editing at the last minute.   
In those cases, I can't do anything about the Email version, but
I have fixed the goof on the web site.  Not that it hasn't
happened before, of course.  Things like that DO happen, but the
increase in the "OOPS!" level is embarrassing, especially when
the topic of the week is common errors!  A few more mistakes like
that and I could have called the week "Everything You Write Is
Wrong."  Just proves that you can't be smart all of the time.
     But it would be smart at this point to say Thank You to all
the group who have contributed to Funnies this week, including: 
Kerry Miller, Carol Becwar, Helen Yee, Sylvia He, Alison Becwar,
John Peterson, Timothy McChain, Mark Becwar, Peter Adler and
Jerry Taff.  Thanks for all your contributions and support,
and...  
     Have A Great Week!


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   - "[The Air Force is pleased with the performance of the C-5A
     cargo plane, although] having the wings fall off at 8000
     hours is a problem."
                         Major General Charles F. Kuyk, Jr.

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ECO-STUPIDITY...
-------------
     When putting up an argument, it is probably smartest to at
least understand a little about what you're arguing.  Now, most
of us remember from high school chemistry that chemically neutral
-- that is, neither acid nor alkaline -- is measured on the Ph
scale as 7.
     In the mid-1980's, the American chemical company PPG had a
research lab in Akron, Ohio.  Local environmentalists, more than
a little wary of large chemical companies, were discussing how
waste water from the lab was to be handled.  On hearing that the
outflow from the lab was almost exactly 7.0 Ph, one councilman
leapt to his feet and proclaimed, "That's not good enough!  I
won't rest until the Ph coming from that plant is ZERO!"
     I never heard if any of the company chemists bothered to
explain to him that a Ph of 0 would be about 100,000 times more
acid than vinegar -- powerful enough to dissolve buildings and
bridge pilings.  (SLH)

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   - "The speedometer measures speed."
                              Nissan owner's manual, 1992

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ROOF GOOFS
----------
     A roofing crew in Newbury Park, California made just one
small mistake -- if you consider 2 by 6 meters (6 by 20 feet) to
be small, that is.  That's the size hole they made before finding
out they were across the street from the house where they were
supposed to be replacing the roof.  They had somehow mistaken 949
Pons Court to be 948, and got some distance into the job before
discovering their mistake.  The August Roofing Company has
offered to patch the hole, but can't guarantee that the color
will match exactly, so the homeowner is holding out for a
completely new roof.  (AP)

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   - "CORRECTION: Today we carry the answer for Saturday's
     Crossword Puzzler.  Answer for today's Puzzler was already
     printed yesterday.  Our reader's will find the answer to
     yesterday's Puzzler tomorrow."
                              Jakarta (Indonesia) Post

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CLIFF'S NOTES...
-------------
     A Massachusetts couple had stopped to use the restroom 
at an Oregon Coast viewpoint last week, and returned to find 
their vehicle missing.  Believing it had been stolen, they 
reported it to police, who found the car nearby.  Only 50 meters
(150 feet) away, in fact.  Straight down.  The couple had
apparently forgotten to put the car in "Park" when stopping, and
the car had rolled off the cliff.   (AP)

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   - "You wouldn't have won if we had beaten you."
                         Baseball great Yogi Berra, on losing a
                         ballgame

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THE NEXT VOICE YOU HEAR...
-----------------------
     God will return to earth this Monday, March 31 and put in a
personal appearance at 3513 Ridgedale Drive in Garland, Texas at
10 AM.  It isn't clear whether He will be available for
interviews or autographs at that time.  God is descending to
Earth to save hundreds of millions of people from nuclear
holocaust by whisking them away in flying saucers to a new life
on Mars.
     Then again, maybe not.
     According to Hon-Ming Chen, leader of the religious group
that owns the house, God was supposed to have appeared on
television Channel 18 all over the U.S. late last Thursday night. 
When God's appearance as a late-night infomercial didn't happen,
a contrite Chen quickly emerged from his suburban home in Garland
to tell the gathered reporters that he had been wrong and that
they could now forget about his predictions.
     "Since God's appearance on television has not been realized,
you can take what we have preached as nonsense," Chen said
through an interpreter. "I would rather you don't believe what I
say any more."  (Reuters/AP)
          [  You'd think God could get a better time
          slot than late night TV, anyway...  ]

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   - "Ballroom dancing has been around in various forms since
     early civilization, and it has been a crucial factor in the
     development of mankind."
                         Senator Howell Heflin (D-Alabama), while
                         presenting a resolution in favor of
                         establishing National Ballroom Dancing
                         Week.

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SO LONG, SENATOR SIESTA!
-----------------------
     You can't say that politician Andrew Thompson of Canada's
upper house of parliament ever took his job as senator too
seriously.  He did manage to show up for 14 votes -- over the
last 8 years.  During his long term in the senate, he spent most
of his time living in splendor in his villa in La Paz, Mexico. 
He blamed his poor attendance on poor health, until some
reporters followed him around as he did small errands around town
in La Paz.
     The Canadian Senate, finally having enough from the senator
who had become known as "Senator Siesta," stripped Thompson of
his posts, C$64,000 (about $45,000 US) annual salary and
privileges.  The senator, outraged at this treatment, immediately
resigned.
     That meant that he gets to collect his government pension of
C$48,000 a year immediately, rather than having to wait two years
until mandatory retirement at age 75.  With Canadian citizens
still paying his bills.  (Reuters)
          [ Sure, just send the checks to La Paz... ]

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   - "One word probably sums up the responsibility on any vice
     president.  And that word is "to be prepared."
                         Former Vice President Dan Quayle

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IN A CONFUSED STATE...
-------------------
     A housewife in Santa Fe, New Mexico called Atlanta to get
tickets for the Olympics two years ago, and ran into the customer
service agent from hell.  After the usual formalities about
events and what tickets were available, the customer service
operator asked, "... And where are you calling from, mam?"
     "xxxx - North Main Street, Santa Fe, New Mexico," the woman
replied.
     "I'm sorry, mam, I'm not allowed to help you.  we are not
allowed to sell tickets to other countries, only to the U.S. 
You'll have to contact ticket agents in your own country."
     "But we are residents," the woman said, amazed.  "We live in
New Mexico."
     "Sorry, we can only sell tickets to those living in one of
the 50 states. This is the number for ticket sales for the United
States only. Please call your own country's ticket number."
     "We ARE part of the United States. We live in NEW MEXICO! 
It IS one of the states!"  the woman replied, a little upset.
     "Thanks for calling, but we cannot help you here.  Have a
good day."  {click}.
          [ Makes you wonder what the ticket agent did
          to folks calling from Berlin, Wisconsin.  Or
          New Madrid, Missouri.  Or New London,
          Connecticut. ]
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   - "Anyone can be elected governor.  I'm proof of that."
                              Joe Frank Harris, Georgia governor

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TIMING IS EVERYTHING...
--------------------
     When two Chicago men, Clarisse Wynn, 20, and Darvie Sutton,
43, heard about a large party going on at a local bar in Chicago,
they knew it would mean that the place would be taking in more
money than usual.  That would make it the perfect time pull a
robbery, they thought.  But when they pulled a knife and demanded
money from the woman owner of Z's Sports Tap, they were the ones
most surprised.  The large party was a retirement party for a
Chicago police sergeant and the place was packed with hundreds of
officers, many in uniform.  
     Described by a police spokesman as "our two rocket
scientists," the two men were immediately captured and charged
with attempted robbery.
     "That's what makes this job so interesting," said retired
Officer John Tolley. "Dumb people."  (AP)

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   - "[It] obviously puts a crimp in my political future."
                         Representative Andrew J. Hinshaw, on his
                         conviction for two counts of bribery

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OK, SO PLACE IS IMPORTANT, TOO!
------------------------------
     David Zaback, a 33-year-old man from Renton, Washington was
probably attempting his first robbery.  His choice of which store
to rob was remarkably bad.  For some reason, he chose to rob a
gun shop called H&J Leather and Firearms.  Add to this that the
shop was full of customers, most of them likely to be familiar
with guns AND that Zaback had to walk past a police car that was
parked in front of the store entrance.  Furthermore, he had to
pass a uniformed police officer who was having coffee with the
shop's owner on the way to the counter.  Suffice it to say that
pulling out a gun and firing a couple of wild shots while
screaming "This is a stickup!" wasn't the brightest thing Zaback
had ever done.
     But it was the last.

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   - "I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until
     after he's dead."
                         Sam Goldwyn, U.S. film producer

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