HOLIDAY LEFTOVERS!

More Holiday Stories...

Hello again, Folks!
     It seems like all of us have a few things left over at the
end of the year - whether they be leftover food from a Christmas
feast or just things we need to get done before the new year. 
The SUNDAY FUNNIES is no exception...  A number of stories have
shown up in the past couple of weeks that haven't quite fit into
any of the usual categories.  So, here they are for your
enjoyment, before they get stale.  Wouldn't want them turning
green or anything.
     Thanks this week to: Hong Li, Libin He, Sue Yan, Caterina
Sukup, Cheong Chu-Ling, Vic Parrysius, Dale Frederickson, Arlen
Walker, Ellen Peterson, Kerry Miller, Peter Adler, Beth Butler. 
And to all of you, our wish for a Happy & Prosperous New Year! 
See you next year...
     Have a great week!


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CHRISTMAS POLITICS?
------------------
     According to a poll conducted by the Fox TV Network, Santa
Claus is a Democrat and the Grinch is a Republican.
     With his well-known social welfare programs and free-
spending ways, Santa was identified as most likely to be a
registered Democrat by 39 percent of those polled.  Another 13
percent believed that Santa would be an independent, given that
he does bring gifts to both sides.
     The Grinch - the Scrooge-like lead character in the famous
Dr. Seuss story - was held to be a Republican by a majority of
voters.  Even registered Republicans surveyed thought that the
characters extreme fiscal and social conservatism made him likely
to be on their side of the aisle.  (Reuters)
          [ Of COURSE!  Newt Gingrinch... ]


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THE TOP TEN RESOLUTIONS ENGINEERS WON'T KEEP THIS YEAR
------------------------------------------------------

     10.  I will not buy any more magazines with AOL disks bound
          in just to get the 1.44MB disk.

      9.  I will stop sending Email to my wife or roommate.

      8.  I resolve to work with neglected children...  my own.

      7.  I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I
          answer my Email.

      6.  When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will
          read all the mail I get from it.

      5.  I will stay on the computer as long as I want.  
          What?  OK, dear...  Be there in a minute...

      4.  No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

      3.  I resolve to back up my new 1GB hard drive daily... 
          Well, once a week...  Sometime...

      2.  I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.

      1.  I won't try to get onto the Netscape ftp site as soon
          as a new Navigator beta comes out.

      0.  When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't
          reply "MS Tech Support."

     -1.  I will read the manual.

     -2.  I will think of a password other than "password."

     -3.  I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.


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SCROOGE TV...
----------
     A Birmingham, Alabama television station manager decided two
weeks before Christmas to fire the station's entire news staff
because of low ratings.  Eric Land, president and general manager
of WBMG-TV sad that he would name replacements before December
30th.  He also said that he expected those who were fired to
remain on the air until their replacements start work.
     Manager Land decided to fire the consistently low-rated news
team after they placed lower than a mid-70's sitcom on a
competing cable channel.  (Reuters)
          [ Right!  It could never be management's
          fault when things go wrong... ]


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CHANNELING?
----------
     New York's Paragon Cable Company has improved collection of
overdue bills dramatically since the company stopped cutting off
customers who owe money.  Instead of preventing those with
overdue bills from seeing anything, the cable system has been
filling all 77 channels with the cable channel C-SPAN, which airs
congressional hearings and other public affairs programs.
          [ Sure - politics!  That would REALLY scare
          them into paying! ]


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ALL BUSHIDO, ALL THE TIME...
-------------------------
     In Japan, a new cable channel started broadcasting last
week.  While we here in the U.S. have The Game Show Network,
Turner Classic Movies and The B-Movie Channel, they are getting
The Samurai Channel.  Officially known as the "Japan Classic
Programming Network," the new channel secured the rights to more
than 4,000 hours of samurai and swordplay dramas - enough to
broadcast 24 hours a day for almost 6 months without repeating.
     No word on whether their programming includes the old John
Belushi 'samurai' sketches from the early years of "Saturday
Night Live."
          [ If the ratings aren't good, do the managers
          have to fall on their swords? ]


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BIRD BRAINED ART CRITICS...
------------------------
     A research scientist at Tokyo's Keio University announced
that he was successful in an ambitious training program. 
Psychologist Shigeru Watanabe was able to train pigeons to
recognize the difference between cubist and impressionist
paintings with an accuracy rate of greater than 90%.  Reports
that the newly trained pigeons would be working as art critics
could not be verified.
          [ I don't even want to think how the pigeons
          show what paintings they don't like... ]


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DO YOU COUP, TOO?
----------------
     A likely cause has been determined for the attempted coup in
Suriname last October - boredom.  Seventeen military officers
were arrested after evidence was found of a plot to overthrow the
government.  No wonder the officers aren't happy; Suriname's
military is famous for having low pay and poor management.  At
last count, their navy had no functioning ships and the local air
force had only one working plane.  (Reuters)


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HOT ROCKS...
---------
     Get any hot jewelry this Christmas?  Not stolen, I mean -
really hot.  Some Asian jewelry markets have been turning up
radioactive stones, apparently treated in medical radiation
therapy machines to improve the stone's appearance and to make
the gems more valuable.
     After treatment, the stones are radioactive.  Some of them
had radiation levels 50 times the U. S. safety limit and could
cause health problems, possibly including cancer.  Most likely to
have been fixed are semi-precious "cat's eye" stones of an
unusual chocolate shade.  These gems are worth thousands of
dollars per carat, but are really just irradiated yellow stones,
only worth a few hundred dollars apiece.  (Reuters)
          [ Ooo!  Look how that stone seems to glow in
          the dark! ]


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SNOW TROUBLE AT ALL...
-------------------
     There's a new law in Germany this year making it a crime to
fail to clean all snow off of your vehicle before moving it.  Not
just the windows, but the roof, hood, trunk and everything else
must be clear of any snow that can fly off before the vehicle can
be moved.  They're serious about this, too; fines range up to
5,000 Marks (about $3000 US).  Good thing they don't have that
law here in Wisconsin or nothing would move from November until
about April.


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FROM THE LOST IN TRANSLATION DESK...
---------------------------------
     The Edinburgh (Scotland) City Council gets this year's
"Golden Rhubarb Trophy", awarded for writing in a letter that
almost defies translation.  The award was presented by an
independent group dedicated to clear language in government
called the English Language Commission.
     The jargon-filled fog of pompous English promoted recycling
efforts, explaining that the council was: "fully committed to
waste minimisation and the recycling of waste and has ...
approved, in principle, a revised strategy encompassing the
introduction of material recycling facilities post-refuse
collection and pre-final disposal."  (Reuters)
          [ Are they the same folks that write the
          instructions for tax forms? ]


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FIVE TIMES FIVE?
--------------
     A man woke up in the morning at exactly 5:55 A.M.  He turned
on his TV to channel 5 to get the weather report.  The
temperature was 55 degrees and the humidity was 55%.   He noticed
that it was May 5th.  He went out to his car to go to work, and
saw that his car had 55,555.5 miles on the odometer.  Then it
became clear to him - life was sending him a message!
     He rushed to the race track.  His ticket cost $5 and he was
put in section 5, row 5, seat 5.  In the fifth race was a horse
called, "Double Nickels".  Of course, he bet his entire bank
account.
     And, of course, the horse came in 5th.

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