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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #060 - 10/05/1997


Men, Women and All That Relationships Stuff...

Greetings again, all!
     This week is special for my dear bride and me, as we're
celebrating 22 years of happy marriage together.  I wish I could
take the credit for this, but to tell the truth, if I could
really figure out what makes things work, I'd make a fortune
holding seminars.  It's nice that I can rely on Carol's
judgement; she's always happy to tell me when I've gone wrong. 
But that's a good thing.  I even use that judgement when editing
Funnies.  I know I can count on her sense of humor as a reliable
Geiger counter for which pieces to use and which to toss.
     Greetings and Thanks this week to our friends: Cheong Chu-
Ling, Hans Nord, Dick Ginkowski, Bob Martens, Kerry Miller,
Caterina Sukup ,Jerry Taff, Naomi Ogawa, Beth Butler, Peter Adler
and Mike Fagan.  I appreciate all of your encouragement,
contributions and suggestions!  And hope that all of your
relationships are going well...
     Have a great week!


     Rightly or wrongly, in our society it is most often the man
who takes the initiative to start that first conversation. 
Unfortunately, men seem to get amazingly tongue tied when first
meeting women alot of the time, and they say things that are -
sorry, no way to hide it guys - stupid.  Women are too
intelligent to fall for such obvious pick-up lines, but men keep
trying them anyway.  Here are some of the commonly heard lines
with the intelligent woman's responses.

   - I know how to please a woman.
                              Then please leave me alone.

   - I want to give myself to you.
                              Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

   - May I see you pretty soon?
                              Don't you think I'm pretty now?

   - Your hair color is fabulous.
                              Thank you. It's on aisle three at
                              the corner drug store.

   - You look like a dream.
                              Go back to sleep.

   - I can tell that you want me.
                              Yes, I want you to leave.

   - Hey, baby, what's your sign?
                              Do not enter.  Stop.  No Parking.

   - I'd go through anything for you.
                              Fine.  Let's start with your bank

   - May I have the last dance?
                              You've just had it.

   - I would go to the end of the 
       world for you.
                              Yes, but would you stay there?

   - Your place or mine?
                              Both. You go to your place, and
                              I'll go to mine.

   - Is this seat empty?
                              Yes, and this one will be too if
                              you sit down.

   - What's it like being the 
     most beautiful girl in the bar?
                              What's it like being the biggest
                              liar in the world?

   - Haven't I seen you someplace before?
                              Yeah, that's why I don't go there

   - If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
                              If I could see you naked, I'd die


     A 52-year-old Japanese woman was arrested late last year 
after calling a 54-year-old man at his office over 16,000 times 
in a 13-month period.  Teruko Hamakawa told police the man, 
"was impolite as he turned down marriage with me without 
even seeing me." (AP) 
          [ Think he had to SEE her to know? ]


     Especially when a couple shares the same occupation...


 ARCHITECTURE: The relationship just wasn't building...

 PSYCHOLOGY:   Woman accuses the man of just using her as a
               substitute for his mother.

 ARCHAEOLOGY:  One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other
               of trying to dig it up.

 CHEMISTRY:    They are unable to find solutions to their

 LAW:          The partners sue each other for breach of a
               pre-dating agreement.

 BUSINESS:     Both decide that they're spending way too much
               money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be

 HISTORY:      Each partner argues the breakup was caused by
               something the other party did in the past.

 GEOGRAPHY:    Both people decide to simply move far away to
               avoid each other.

 ECONOMICS:    One party demands more than the other can supply.

 ENGLISH:      Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter,
               complete with introduction, thesis, body, and
               conclusion, except that the letters don't really
               say anything substantive or intelligible.

 EDUCATION:    Both agree that the relationship was a learning

 COMPUTING:    "Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't interface"

  ENGINEERING: They both find it shocking that the positives in
               their relationship don't balance the negatives.

   STUDIES:    OY!  They both should feel so guilty!

 PHILOSOPHY:   If two people break up and there's no one to
               witness the breakup, are they really single?

 ZOOLOGY:      They were able to get along well in social groups,
               but were unable to mate for life.

 COUNSELING:   Each urges the other to "get help!"

 MUSIC:        Both write an operatic lament (or, in Tennessee, a
               country song) to express his or her sorrow.

 SOCIOLOGY:    Each claims to have been oppressed in the

 THEOLOGY:     Each secretly thinks the other is going to hell.

                                   - ADAM LASNIK / BILL BECWAR



     "Any girl can be glamorous.  All you have to do is stand
     still and look stupid." 
                                        - Hedy Lamarr

     "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
                                        - Gilda Radner

     "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
                                        - Maryon Pearson

     "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you
     want anything done, ask a woman." 
                                        - Margaret Thatcher

     "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
     marriage and a career."
                                        - Gloria Steinem

     "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
                                        - Gloria Steinem

     "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. 
     Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and
                                        - Katharine Hepburn

     "I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man I
     keep his house." 
                                        - Zsa Zsa Gabor
          [ I think Ms. Gabor was married seven times.  I tried
          to find out for certain, but the different references
          all gave different numbers.  I suspect she had husbands
          who lost track of what number they were, too. ]

     "Men like the process, women just want the project done."
                                        - Carol Becwar
          [ Well, she oughta know! ]


     An 85-year-old man in Southern Germany called the police
recently after his wife, also 85, locked herself in their bedroom
with her young lover.  The man asked the police to throw out his
wife's boyfriend because he was too frail to do it himself.  When
the police told him they could not become involved in such
domestic disputes, the old man replied: "I shall just have to be
unfaithful myself, then."  (International Herald Tribune)

© 1997 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.