CLUELESS CRIME!

It's Low I.Q. Crime Time Again...

Hi, All!
     We've all heard that 'crime doesn't pay', right?  Actually,
when done right (done wrong?), it pays very well, just not for a
very long time.  Crime is one of the highest profit services that
exists - if you can call it a service.  But like most investments
with a high return, it is also extremely risky.  Even the really
bright crooks can expect to spend more than half of their time in
jail, so their overall income from crime is very limited. 
Fortunately for the rest of us, really smart crooks are pretty
rare.  As you'll see from this weeks collection, many of the
crooks around have trouble with the simplest concepts of crime. 
Ideas like 'run away' and 'hide' don't seem to light up any
neurons for these losers.
     Thanks this week for the contributions of crimefighters:
Peter Adler, Helen Yee, Ellen Peterson, Carol Becwar and Jerry
Taff.  And a special SUNFUN Thanks to Liz Soutar and the folks at
Nap Time Notes, who have awarded The Sunday Funnies web site
their Noteworthy Award for September.  Liz is the author who
helped out here last Mother's Day with one of her essays.  For 
those of you on the Web the URL for Nap Time Notes is:

http://www.ddc.com/napnotes/

Isn't the animated award graphic cute?  Thanks all and...
     Have a great week,


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URINE REAL TROUBLE IF YOU DRINK THIS...
------------------------------------
     Some thieves in Coventry, England broke into a van and made
off with two cases of wine and two cases of a product called
'Silent Roar'.  The wine might be fine to drink, but the 'Silent
Roar' is actually bottled lion urine, used to keep house cats out
of gardens.  A police officer  said: "If they don't know what
Silent Roar is, they might end up drinking the lot." (Coventry
Evening Telegraph, 06-21)
          [ Maybe they'd get roaring drunk? ]


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HELPLESS? REALLY?
----------------
     A 34-year-old robber in Milwaukee, Wisconsin picked what he
thought would be easy victims for robbery.  He pushed his way
into a house, demanding money from the 72-year-old woman who
answered the door.  Her response was to bounce a heavy coffee mug
off his skull.  As he lurched for her in rage, the woman's 77-
year-old husband perforated the would-be robber with a pocket
knife.  Realizing he was outmatched, the intruder left.  Police
caught up with the beat-up bandit at the hospital when he went in
for treatment. (AP, 08-19)


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IT'S A BAD DAY WHEN YOU GET IN THE SLOW LINE...
--------------------------------------------
     A quick-thinking bank teller in Fort Lauderdale, Florida
told a robber that he'd have to wait to present his hold-up note,
so the dopey desperado got back in line - and waited.  
     Twenty minutes later, David W. Hindmarsh got to the window
to present his note, threatening the teller with a pipe bomb. 
Taking $1,500 of the bank's money, Hindmarsh fled out the front
door of the bank, straight into the waiting police and TV
cameras.
     Hindmarsh tried to run, but dropped his 'pipe bomb' -
actually an empty toilet paper roll - when he was bit by a police
dog. (UPI)
          [ Take a bite out of crime? ]


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IT TAKES ONE TO...
---------------
     Sometimes a criminal has more to fear from the victims of
the crime than from the police.  Michael McLean was arrested on
charges that he had robbed several homes in upscale neighborhoods
in Brooklyn and Staten Island in New York City.  Strangely, many
of the homes he picked were those owned by mob bosses and their
families.  Through their own sources in the underworld, the crime
families had identified McLean as the burglar, and had demanded
their property back.  McLean surrendered to police a short time
later.


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THE FRENCH WAY...
--------------
     A bank robber in Metz, France says that it's his money. 
After all, he stole it.  Philippe Thomas wants police to return
500,000 francs ($100,000) he took in a number of bank robberies,
after he was let out of jail due to a technicality. "I simply
want them to return money which was honestly stolen," said
Thomas. "It's a scandal to have your savings robbed from you like
that." (The Kingston Net Times, 07-02)


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SPECIAL SECTION - WHAT IS IT ABOUT PIZZA AND CRIME?
==================================================

TEAM SPIRIT...
-----------
     A bank robber in San Diego held up a savings and loan office
wearing a San Francisco 49ers football team jacket.  His escape
plan then took him to the nearest mall, where he bought new
clothing so he wouldn't be recognized.  For reasons know only to
his psychiatrist, his new disguise was a 49ers T-shirt, over
which he wore the same football jacket.  Police caught up with
him at the pizza shop in the mall, where he was happily enjoying
a nice meal.

--------------------

PIZZA TIME CRIME...
----------------
     A man in Tampa, Florida ordered a pizza delivery to his
house. When the pizza arrived, he robbed the delivery driver. 
The man was still in his living room eating the pizza when police
showed up.
          [ What, the concept of 'running away' too
          complicated for him? ]

--------------------

ADDRESS THIS TO...
---------------
     A pizza delivery customer in Portland, Maine met the
delivery driver at the curbside, and pulled a knife to attempt a
hold up.  The pizza delivery man, who was about 10 feet away (3
meters), threw the pizza at the attempted assailant, box and all. 
This caused the robber to give up and run.  Police found the
would-be pizza thief trying to hide in his bedroom at the address
he had given the pizza parlor.
          [ His new address has stone walls and iron
          bars... ]

--------------------

THERE MAY BE SOMETHING TO THIS...
------------------------------
     Vincenzo Esposito was arrested by Italian authorities as he
attempted to return to Italy after hiding out for two years. 
Esposito had fled the country after being sentenced to six years
for aggravated robbery.  When asked why he took a chance on being
captured on his return to Italy, Esposito told them he had
"missed the pizza."  (Reuter)


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FRIENDS, ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN...
---------------------------
     A Swiss burglar was recently nabbed because of his habit of
listening at the door to see if the victim's home was occupied. 
The 30-year-old was sentence to four years in jail after police
were able to tie him to more then 375 burglaries from the ear
prints he left at each crime scene. (Reuters)
          [ Maybe the victims could have hired a
          private ear... ]


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TINNING THE HERD...
----------------
     The dozen thieves that broke into the Yunnan Tin Co. in
Geijun, China knew just what they were looking to steal.  Only
they hadn't counted on the weather; it started raining as they
were loading the tin ingots into four taxi cabs.  They also
didn't realize that the tin had been recovered using arsenic,
which forms a gas when exposed to water.  Two of the thieves have
been arrested, two are in critical condition and the rest are,
well, at rest. (AFP)


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EXOTIC TRAVEL - AT GUNPOINT...
---------------------------
     An Italian tourist had the highest praise for his kidnappers 
on being released unharmed after five days as a hostage in Yemen. 
In fact, he says the entire kidnapping was something unique in
exotic travel and his description makes it sound like a
traveller's dream.  The victim, Giorgio Bonanomi, said, "I was
never afraid for a moment, and it was a very interesting
experience."
     Bonanomi was abducted while on holiday near Yemen's capital,
Sanaa.  Bonanomi said that the Arab tribesmen had fed him lamb
and exotic fruits and allowed him to write letters to his
girlfriend so she wouldn't be worried about his safety.
     Yemen is one of the Arab world's poorest countries, and
kidnapping is a common tactic among tribes having grievances with
the government or foreign oil companies.
     "Too bad it's not possible to organize holidays like this,
because it was fantastic," Bonanomi said.
          [ And here's another picture of me with those
          nice tribesmen that held me captive for a
          week... ]


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THE 7:42 IS RIGHT ON SCHEDULE...
-----------------------------
     Raymond Cuthbert of Vernon, British Columbia, Canada dropped
by the local drugstore just to let the clerk know that he and his
friend would return in half an hour to rob the store.  They were
right on time, too.  Unfortunately for the pair, the Royal
Canadian Mounted Police also made time to be there for the
appointment.
          [ And he's not scheduled for release for
          quite some time... ]


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A REALLY BAD DAY...
----------------
     A bandit with the unlikely name of Natron Fubble tried to
rob a delicatessen in Miami, Florida, but was thwarted when the
deli owner smacked Fubble across the nose with a giant salami. 
Fleeing from the store and holding his broken nose, Fubble jumped
in the trunk of a parked car in order to hide.  The car belonged
to a police undercover team that was on assignment.  The police
finally discovered Fubble in the trunk several days later and
arrested him.


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BURNED UP ABOUT IT...
------------------
     A gang in Britain forced an armored car carrying $18.2
million dollars in securities and cash into some woods, then used
high-powered torches in an attempt to open it.  The attempt to
open the on board safe was unsuccessful, but they did manage to
set what might be the world's most expensive bonfire.  The
inexperienced thieves converted much of the loot to ashes before
being forced to flee empty-handed.


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DEJA VIEW...
---------
     Gerald Dixon, 26, was sentenced to six years in prison last
year for robbing a Bank of Montreal branch in Peterborough,
Ontario, Canada.  He was arrested a short time after the robbery
as he tried to deposit the stolen money into his account at the
same bank.
          [ No deposit, no return... ]

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