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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #055 - 08/31/1997


Back to School Issue...

Greetings, fellow students!
     Well, it's back to school time again...  As much fun as it
was to have the kids home for summer, it's nice to see them
getting back to school.  Most of the kids seem to have hit the
summer limit of things to do - those last couple of weeks of
August, they just sit around the house looking bored.  As much as
they hate to admit it, they do seem happy about going back to the
grind.  But school these days isn't only for the kids.  Many
adults take courses these days, too.  It's one of the biggest
trends of the '90's...
     This week, Sunday Funnies looks at schools and teaching. 
Alot of you making the dean's list this week: Howard Lesniak,
Peter Adler, Carol Becwar, Helen Yee, Bob Martens, Dale
Frederickson, Carel VanDerMerwe, Brian Tazalla, and Daniel
Butler.  Thanks for all of your contributions to Sunday Funnies. 
Now, grab your books and we're off to school...
     Have a great week!



                     RULES FOR TEACHERS (1872)


       1. Teachers each day will fill lamps, clean chimneys.

       2. Each teacher will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle
          of coal for the day's session

       3. Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to the
          individual taste of the pupils.

       4. Men teachers may take one evening each week for
          courting purposes, or two evenings a week if they go to
          church regularly.

       5. After ten hours in school, the teachers may spend the
          remaining time reading the Bible or other good books.

       6. Women teachers who marry or engage in unseemly conduct
          will be dismissed.

       7. Every teacher should lay aside from each days pay a
          goodly sum of his earnings for his benefit during his
          declining years so that he will not become a burden on

       8. Any teacher who smokes, uses liquor in any form,
          frequents pool or public halls, or gets shaved in a
          barber shop will give good reason to suspect his worth,
          intention, integrity and honesty.

       9. The teacher who performs his labour faithfully and
          without fault for five years will be given an increase
          of twenty-five cents per week in his pay, providing the
          Board of Education approves.



For those of you returning to school, here is an inside look at
how college professors grade their final exams:

     Dept Of Statistics:
               All grades are fitted to a normal curve.

     Dept Of Psychology:
               Students are asked to blot ink in their exam
               books, close them and turn them in. The professor
               opens the books and assigns the first grade that
               comes to mind.

     Dept Of History:
               All students get the same grade they got last

     Dept Of Theology:
               Grade is determined by God.

     Dept Of Philosophy:
               What is a grade?

     Law School:
               Students are asked to defend their position of why
               they should receive an A when they really deserve
               an F.

     Dept Of Mathematics:
               Grades are variable.

     Dept Of Computer Science:
               A random number generator determines grade.

     Music Department:
               Each student must figure out his grade by
               listening to the instructor play the corresponding
               note (+ and - would be sharp and flat
               respectively).  Tone-deaf students fail.

     Dept Of Physical Education:
               Everybody gets an A.


     The principal of a small middle school had a problem with a
few of the older girls who were starting to use lipstick.  When
the girls would apply it in the bathroom they just couldn't
resist pressing their lips to the mirror making lip prints.  This
made a mess that was hard to remove and was taking alot of the
janitors time.
     Being pretty sharp in the ways of kids, the principal had a
plan.  He gathered a number of the girls that wore lipstick
together and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies
room at 2PM.  When they got there, the girls found the principal
and the school custodian waiting for them.
     The principal explained that it was becoming a serious
problem for the custodian to clean all of the mirrors every
night. He said he felt the ladies didn't understand just how much
of a problem it was and he wanted them to see just how hard it
was to clean.  The custodian then brought out a long-handled
brush.  Then he dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, went to
the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
     That was the end of _that_ problem.


     When little kids answer science questions, they do so with
an amazing amount of foresight and intelligence.  They use common
sense to understand difficult concepts.  Most of these quotes are
from 5th & 6th graders.  They are a good illustration of Mark
Twain's idea that the "most interesting information comes from
children, for they tell all they know and then stop."

   - You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how
     close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got
     hit, so never mind.

   - Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

   - Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

   - The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming
     back down.

   - When they broke open molecules, they found they were only
     stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they
     found them stuffed with explosions.

   - When people run around and around in circles we say they are
     crazy.  When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

   - Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

   - Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point
     in any direction.

   - In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find
     there are twice as many H's as O's.

   - South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow
     they still manage.

   - Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how
     to change back into a sun in the daytime.

   - Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There
     are  180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there
     are 180 degrees between north and south.
          [ In Fahrenheit, of course...  But that kid is right! ]

   - A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which
     way it wants to go.

   - Clouds are high flying fogs.

   - There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of
     the Earth because of so much population stomping around up
     here these days.

   - Lime is a green-tasting rock.

   - Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while
     others preferred to be oil.

   - Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you
     don't why you should.

   - Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know
     we know they're there.

   - Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make
     water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

   - Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun.
     But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

   - We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
     Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to
     put the top on.

   - To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to
     chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

   - I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how
     to do it, and that is the important thing.

   - Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's
     tongue will kill the strongest man.

   - A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

   - A monsoon is a French gentleman.

   - It is so hot in some places that the people there have to
     live in other places.

   - Question: What is one horsepower?
     Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to
     drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

   - The wind is like the air, only pushier.

© 1997 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.