BUMPER CROP!

Great Bumper Stickers

Hello again, Everybody!
     Is there anything more American than bumper stickers?  Now
they are found all over the world, of course, but the idea
originated in America.  As near as I can find out, the first bumper
stickers where just political and auto company ads.  It was only in
the 1960's that bumper stickers came into their own as a cultural
icon.  The old-time comedians call these 'one-liners', because they
almost always fit on one line.  The best of them even get in a
little philosophy in the bargain.
     Thanks this week for the contributions of: Beth Butler, Ellen
Peterson, Bob Martens and Peter Adler.  As always, I appreciate
your help in putting these things together.
     Have a great week,


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CONTEST NOTES...
-------------
     It turned out that some of the psychic predictions in The
Sunday Funnies: Future Imperfect (07/06/97) were actually ringers. 
They were, in fact, from a satire on tabloid newspapers put out by
some guys out east.  The weird part is that it's so hard to tell
which of the predictions is the strangest, the 'real' psychic
predictions or the ones that were just supposed to be funny.
     Send your guess of which source is the phoney one as your
entry in The Sunday Funnies First Anniversary Contest.  First one
to guess the phoney psychic stories (phoney fakes?) wins a
'Wisconsin' coffee mug from 'Escape to Wisconsin' and an all
expense paid lunch at the fabulously retro lunch counter of
Goldmann's Department Store on Mitchell Street in Milwaukee. 
(Travel provided by Milwaukee County Transit System.) Hey, this is
a low-budget operation here!  Email your guesses to:
               billbb@compuserve.com  
(My usual Email address) by August 1st, 1997.  In the event of a
tie, duplicate grilled cheese sandwiches and bus tickets will be
awarded.  James Randi, who already knows, and some of the other
folks I've spilled the beans to are not eligible for the contest. 
Sorry, But I owe most of you folks a lunch anyway!  Now, on to the
Bumper Stickers...

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POLITICAL BUMPER STICKERS
-------------------------

   - Don't Blame Me, I Voted Against Them All

   - Invest In America...Buy A Congressman

   - Don't be stupid. We have politicians for that.

   - Just Say "No" To One Word Solutions.

   - Under Republicans, Man Exploited Man. Under Democrats, Its
     Just The Opposite

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DEFINITIONS -
-----------

   - CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

   - OPTIMIST: A YUGO owner.

   - LAWYER: A cat who settles disputes between mice.

   - FAIRY TALE: A horror story to prepare children for the
     newspapers.

   - LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.

   - IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

   - PURITANISM:  The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
     happy.

   - LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.

   - FLASHLIGHT: a case for holding dead batteries.

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High IQ Bumper Stickers (Or Get Out the Dictionary...
--------------------------------------------------

   - Subvert the Dominant Paradigm.

   - Eschew Obfuscation.

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BUMPER STICKERS THAT WOULD BE ON COMPUTERS IF COMPUTERS HAD 
          BUMPERS
---------------------------------------------------------------

   - Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

   - Computers help us to do stupid things faster.

   - We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be
     Assimilated.

   - The bugs will go away when you turn off the computer.

   - Help: It said 'Insert disk no.3', but only two will fit.

   - I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere...

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THE OUTER LIMITS...
----------------

   - I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

   - No Matter Where You Go, There You Are.

   - Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...

   - I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

   - UFO's Are Real - The Air Force Doesn't Exist.

   - There are 3 kinds of people:  those who can count & those who
     can't.

   - I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

   - Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

   - I brake for Hallucinations.

   - Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

   - Marriage is probably the main cause of divorce.

   - Artificial intelligence usually loses to real stupidity.

   - I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins.

   - I used to live in the real world, then I got evicted.

   - I have seen the evidence. I want DIFFERENT evidence!

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AUTO-PHILOSOPHY DEPARTMENT
--------------------------

   - I doubt, therefore I might be.

   - Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

   - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
     engines.

   - Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

   - Change is inevitable. Except from vending machines.

   - The future is not what it used to be.

   - Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.

   - Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

   - Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

   - Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

   - PRIDE is what we have.  VANITY is what others have.

   - Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

   - Sex on television can't really hurt you unless you fall off.

   - Cynics know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

   - Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its
     students.

   - Every Titanic has its iceberg.

   - It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

   - My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

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LIFE AS WE KNOW IT DEPARTMENT
-----------------------------

   - You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
     misquoted, then used against you.

   - We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

   - Talk is Cheap - until you hire a lawyer.

   - Professionals are predictable - amateurs are DANGEROUS!

   - Behind Every Successful Woman Is Herself.

   - Just when you think you have won the Rat Race, along come
     faster rats.

   - Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
     groups.

   - Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

   - Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.

   - I came, I Saw, I did some shopping.
          [ Modern version of the Latin quotation: 
               'Veni, Vidi, Visa' ]

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HONK IF...
-------

   - Honk if you love peace and quiet.

   - Honk if you are God.

   - Honk if you love cheeses.

   - Honk if you're illiterate.

   - Honk all you want, I'm deaf.

   - If you are psychic--think "HONK."

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BUMPER QUIPS
------------

   - Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill.

   - Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.

   - Thank God for Taxes. Without them I'd be stinking rich!

   - Who Took The Fun Out Of Fundamentalists.

   - WARNING: Dates on Calendar are closer than they appear.

   - Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

   - The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

   - Dyslexics of the world, untie.

   - Auntie Em,  Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.  Dorothy.

   - All generalizations are false.

   - 43% of all statistics are useless.

   - Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

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GETTING THE LAST WORD...
---------------------

   - Help Stamp Out Bumper Stickers.

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