Hello, all!
I guess I could have called this collection 'Signs of
Desperation', since I worked close to half of the last 48 hours
and the screen is blurring a little. Not the time to go writing
a comedy 'War & Peace'. Fortunately, I had some pieces of this
about ready to go.
Thanks this week go out to: Peter Adler, Ellen Peterson,
John Adler, Howard Lesniak and Daniel Butler. Off to the
signs...
Have a great week,
==:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)==
LOOK HOW FAST I CAN GO, MA, DEPARTMENT...
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- In Kirkland, Washington, a 30-year-old man on a motorcycle,
who said he wanted to test a radar sign that measures
vehicle speed, raced toward the sign and watched it rise to
"59" mph. However, the man was apparently so interested in
the sign he forgot to turn and smashed into the sign. He was
taken to Evergreen Hospital Medical Center with numerous
cuts and bruises.
==:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)==
STRANGE SILLY SIGNS SEEN DEPARTMENT...
-----------------------------------
- At a Santa Fe, New Mexico gas station:
WE WILL SELL GASOLINE TO ANYONE IN A GLASS CONTAINER.
[ What if you're not in a glass container? ]
- In a Bucharest, Hungary Hotel Lobby:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE DAY. DURING THAT TIME
WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
- In a hotel in Athens:
VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN
THE HOURS OF 9 & 11 AM DAILY.
- In a Bangkok cleaners:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR BEST RESULTS.
- In a Vienna hotel:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE PORTER.
[ Boo! ]
- An ad by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
- In a Rome laundry:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE & SPEND THE AFTERNOON
HAVING A GOOD TIME.
- By the counter at The Fireplace restaurant in Paramus, New
Jersey:
DO NOT CARRY TAKE-OUT BOXES BY HANDLES.
- Copenhagen airline ticket office:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
- In the window of a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR THE LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
- Norwegian cocktail lounge:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
- Office of a Roman doctor:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
- Acapulco hotel:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED
HERE.
- Sign at a Tokyo hosiery shop:
OUR NYLONS COST MORE THAN COMMON, BUT YOU'LL FIND THAT
THEY ARE BEST IN THE LONG RUN.
- In San Jose, California there is a supermarket which has the
sign "Open 24 Hours". But the sign on a second door reads:
AFTER HOURS USE OTHER DOOR.
- In a New York restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO CONSIDER OUR WAITRESSES UNCIVIL OUGHT TO
SEE THE MANAGER.
- On the wall of a Baltimore convent:
TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF
THE LAW
- SISTERS OF MERCY
- In a Los Angeles dance hall:
GOOD CLEAN DANCING EVERY NIGHT BUT SUNDAY.
- In a Florida maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
- In a New York drugstore:
WE DISPENSE WITH ACCURACY.
- In the offices of a loan company:
ASK ABOUT OUR PLANS FOR OWNING YOUR HOME.
- In a New York medical building:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTER.
- On a New York convalescent home:
FOR THE SICK AND TIRED OF THE EPISCOPAL CHURCH.
- On a Maine shop:
OUR MOTTO IS TO GIVE OUR CUSTOMERS THE LOWEST PRICES
AND WORKMANSHIP.
- At a number of US Military bases:
RESTRICTED TO UNAUTHORIZED PERSONNEL.
- On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards:
NOW AVAILABLE IN MULTI-PACKS.
- In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
DON'T KILL YOUR WIFE. LET OUR WASHING MACHINE DO THE
DIRTY WORK.
- In a funeral parlor:
ASK ABOUT OUR LAYAWAY PLAN.
- In a clothing store:
WONDERFUL BARGAINS FOR MEN WITH 16 AND 17 NECKS.
[ Sounds even worse in metric... ]
- In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
15 MEN'S WOOL SUITS, $10. THEY WON'T LAST AN HOUR.
- On a shopping mall marquee:
ARCHERY TOURNAMENT - EARS PIERCED
[ DUCK! ]
- Outside a country shop:
WE BUY JUNK AND SELL ANTIQUES
[ One person's trash is another's treasure, I
guess. ]
- In the window of an Oregon store:
WHY GO ELSEWHERE AND BE CHEATED WHEN YOU CAN COME HERE.
- In a Maine restaurant:
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
[ Those 9 day weeks are rough! ]
- In the vestry of a New England church:
WILL THE LAST PERSON TO LEAVE PLEASE SEE THAT THE
PERPETUAL LIGHT IS EXTINGUISHED.
- In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY
BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
- On the grounds of a public school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
- On a Tennessee highway:
WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE
[ Best viewed from your submarine, I guess. ]
- On a broken microwave at the University of California Medical
Center:
THERMALLY IMPAIRED.
- Advertisement for a Japanese whiskey:
WORLD FINEST WHISKEY MADE FROM SCOTLAND'S FINEST
GRAPES.
[ Grapes? ]
- Warning label on a Batman costume made by Kenner Toys:
CAUTION: CAPE DOES NOT ALLOW THE USER TO FLY.
- Ad for the Japanese magazine 'CARBOY 1992':
TASTE THE DIFFERENT AMONG SPECIAL MACHINES.
- Sign in a taxi:
SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seatbelt prepare for
accident.
[ Now that really inspires confidence! ]
- Ad in Hong Kong's 'South China Morning Post'
SMITH CORONA: Introducing The Spell-Right III
Electronic Dicitionary. This is the typewriter that
catches a spelling error, erases it, even helps you
spell it.
[ Another reason Smith Corona is out of
business. ]
- Sign on Victoria Street in London:
NO ENTRY EXCEPT FOR ACCESS.
- Sign on a restaurant in Langkawi, Malaysia:
SEAFOOD BROUGHT IN BY CUSTOMERS WILL NOT BE
ENTERTAINED.
[ No jokes for lobsters? ]
- Parking sign in New York City:
NO STANDING, 7AM - 7PM except Sunday
6 Hour Parking, 8AM - 7PM Sunday,
Night Regulation 7PM - 1AM including Sunday
25 cents per 15 minutes
Quarters and NYCTA Tokens only
[ Right! Bring your lawyer... ]
- Ad for a Japanese magazine:
MR. BIKE: Magazine for windy people.
- Instructions on a baby walker:
HOW TO STORE YOUR BABY WALKER: First, remove baby...
- From a 1992 Nissan Owner's manual:
Make sure hands, etc. are inside before closing
windows.
[ Etc.? ]
==:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)==
SIGNS OF SUPPORT...
----------------
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle recently when
an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's
electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the
clouds and haze, the pilot was lost and couldn't find any
landmarks to guide him to the airport.
Then the pilot saw a tall building and flew toward it.
Thinking quickly, he drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the
helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in
large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the
aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it up to the window. Their
sign said:
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled and was easily able to determine where he
was. That had to be the Microsoft Building, because, similar to
their help-lines, they gave him a technically correct but
completely useless answer.
==:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)==
TAKE THIS AS A SIGN...
-------------------
- Tee shirt worn by a policeman at a bomb scare in New Mexico:
I AM A BOMB TECHNICIAN
IF YOU SEE ME RUNNING
TRY AND KEEP UP!
==:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)==
© 1997 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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