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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #042 - 06/01/1997

What's Up, Doc?

Medical Funnies

Hi again, All!
     A fairly large number of you out there in the SUNFUN
audience work in the medical field.  We even have a few doctors
out there.  It can be an incredibly demanding and stressful
profession, which makes the crazy things that happen seem even
more comic.
     I have to keep this intro short this week, since the hard
drive in this machine is developing more bad sectors by the
minute.  Time to install that new drive!  Windows has been
hanging up a little too regularly - even more than Windows
usually crashes.  Here's hoping that we don't have the same kind
of troubles with CompuServe that we had last week, too.  As
always, drop an Email if you don't get funnies for the week.
     This week, contributor awards to: Howard Lesniak, Dan
Butler, Kerry Miller, Ellen Peterson, Beth Butler and Dale
Frederickson (and I owe Dale a couple of kudos from previous
weeks that were over on the company's MSMAIL).  Now, as for the
medical humor, remember to follow all label instructions and take
only as directed.
     Have a great week,

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IMPATIENT PATIENT DEPARTMENT
----------------------------

     Clarence Mulloy, tired of doctors who don't keep their
appointments, filed a lawsuit in November against one of them,
Dr. Lawrence Amato of Round Lake Beach, Illinois, and won $10
plus court costs.  Mulloy claimed that Dr. Amato once canceled
merely because his nurse was away and he didn't want to have to
hook Mulloy up to a heart monitor all by himself.


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TRES BIZZARE, OUI?
-----------------

   A 46-year old Massachusetts man walked away from a car 
accident with an unexpected problem: now he spoke with a French 
accent.
   "At first, it bothered me very much because I can't make 
myself well understood," the man, who asked not to be identified, 
said in a telephone interview.  He said that he had no experience 
with a foreign language and had never traveled farther than New 
Jersey from his home in Worcester, Massachusetts.
   The case offers a clue into a rare neurological problem dubbed 
Foreign Accent Syndrome that has been chronicled in the 
scientific literature about two dozen times since 1907. (Trenton,
NJ, Times)

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THE FUTURE OF HEALTH CARE?
-------------------------

     A Tanzanian man in Dar Es Salaam amputated his foot because
he could not afford the $26 fee for the operation. William
Mbaruku, 65, cut off his cancerous right foot with a razor
because he didn't have the money to go to a proper hospital. The
man approached several doctors who refused to perform the
operation without being paid. Mbaruku is a former medical
assistant at a plantation near the town of Morogoro.
     "I found the bill too much and decided to operate myself. I
am now dressing the wound myself, and at least I am now feeling
better," Mbaruku said. (AFP)

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PLAYING DOCTOR DEPARTMENT
-------------------------

     A New York Times report on the first day's rescue operations
for TWA Flight 800 last July mentioned a man in an Army uniform
who showed up at the crash site command center and helped direct 
helicopter traffic for about 12 hours before those in charge
realized they had no idea who he was.  Though authorities agreed
that the man had done a fine job, he was escorted from the area. 
In October, the man, David Williams, pleaded guilty to one count 
of unauthorized practice of a profession and was sentenced to six 
months in jail.  Previously, he had impersonated a doctor
diagnosing patients for a private firm and teaching seminars, and
in both cases, employers were pleased with his work despite the
fact that he is not a doctor. 

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DIAL 'Q' FOR QUESTIONS DEPARTMENT
---------------------------------

     Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an
elderly and very ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital
emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely 
managing to stagger in from the parking lot.  The horrified nurse
said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

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AS IF YOU WON'T NOTICE IT DEPARTMENT
------------------------------------

From the "Selling It" column in Consumer Reports:

     'In a sales letter sent to physicians, the Lynn Medical
Instrument Co. offered an electronic heart monitor.  What struck
the physician who sent the letter along to us was the boast that
the unit "allows for early detection of sudden cardiac death." 
We're wondering how much the deceased will appreciate that
feature.'

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IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED DEPARTMENT
----------------------------------------

     Charles Erickson, 65, won $95,000 in a La Crosse, Wisconsin,
trial in March because a 6-inch clamp was left inside his body
after a lung operation.  Erickson said he had only decided to sue
after the hospital sent him a bill for the second operation,
which was done only to remove the clamp.

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OFF THE CHARTS DEPARTMENT
-------------------------

     The following quotes were taken from actual medical records 
dictated by physicians. (I think that some of the doctors really
like to be dictators.)

   - "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped,
     and he was feeling better."

   - "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
     over a year."

   - "On the second day the knee was better and on the third day
     it had completely disappeared."

   - "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
     states she was very hot in bed last night."

   - "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing
     me in 1983."

   - "Patient was released to outpatient department without
     dressing."

   - "The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
     appears to be depressed."

   - "Discharge status: Alive but without permission."

   - "The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will
     get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."

   - "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old female, mentally
     alert but forgetful."

   - "The patient refused an autopsy."

   - "The patient expired [died] on the floor uneventfully."

   - "Patient has left his white blood cells at another
     hospital."

   - "The patient's past medical history has been remarkably
     insignificant with only a 40 pound [15kg] weight gain in the
     past three days."

   - "She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in
     separate directions in early December."

   - "The patient left the hospital feeling much better except
     for her original complaints."


These entries were found in patients' charts:

   - "Doctor on floor with patient."

   - "Patient states he is in good health except for his
     illness."

   - "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who feels we
     should sit on the abdomen."

   - "Patient has two teenage children but no other
     abnormalities."

   - "At the time of onset of pregnancy, the patient was
     undergoing bronchoscopy."

   - "I got no Cadillac, no black coma neither." - a woman's
     reply when asked if she had cataracts or glaucoma.

   - When a patient is discharged, we are required to document
     where  the patient is going and with whom. Late one day, a
     surgeon performed an outpatient procedure on a young woman
     from a small  town about 40 miles from the hospital. She was
     planning to stay  overnight at a hotel in the city and drive
     home the next day. The  surgeon offered to drop her off on
     his way home. This led to the  final entry in her chart:
     "Patient discharged to Comfort Inn with  Dr. ______."


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MAYBE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE DEPARTMENT...
----------------------------------

     Question found on a survey for mother of infants less than a
year old:

          Have you ever breast fed your baby? 
               a) Yes   b) No   c) Don't Know

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SIGN ON A HOSPITAL BULLETIN BOARD
---------------------------------

     Colloquium [Conference] Announcement: Research shows
     the first five minutes of life can be the most risky. 

     Hand-written note underneath: The last five minutes aren't
so hot either.

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     A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. 
After  his check-up the doctor called the wife into the office
alone.  He said "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die."

          1. Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast.
          2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
          3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
          4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
          5. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a
             hard day.
          6. Don't discuss your problems with him.
          7. And most importantly, make love to him several
             times a week and satisfy his every whim.

     On the way home the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had said to her.

     "You're going to die," she said.

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© 1997 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.