Hello again, everybody!
The news this week has been really weird... First, I read a
story that says that Barbie-Doll actress Pamela Anderson Lee is
leaving 'Baywatch' to "...pursue more serious roles." I never
suspected they hired her for her acting ability. And Saddam
Hussein made news (again) when he sued a French magazine for
publishing a story that claimed that he was, "... a perfect
idiot, monster and killer." He lost. He had sued for defamation
of character, but I guess it was really more like _definition_ of
character.
Thanks for the contributions of Howard Lesniak, Peter Adler,
John Wallner & Kerry Miller this week. And now, the news...
Have a great week!
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--HEADLINES--HEADLINES--HEADLINES--HEADLINES--HEADLINES--
These are real newspaper headlines collected from all over.
Headline writers face a difficult challenge, because they have a
very limited space to get their message across and they are under
time pressures to get the story out as quickly as possible. As
you can see, that combination leads to some pretty silly
mistakes.
One Note on this week's FUNNIES; this is going to be a
fairly difficult one for some of you who are not native English
speakers. It may help you to understand that most of these
headlines have more than one reading. They have an intended
meaning and a second meaning that the writer didn't see. It is
one thing to say something and have it pass by before people can
really catch the mistake. But it is quite a different thing to
have it on paper and find that people are not seeing what you
thought you wrote. If you are really stuck on any of the
meanings of these, and can't make out what it means, Email me and
I'll try to explain. I hope that you still find the humor in
most of them, and that you can appreciate that even the 'experts'
have trouble writing in English!
bbb
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Some things seem pretty obvious:
-------------------------------
BAN ON SOLICITING DEAD IN TROTWOOD
MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS
SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY
[ Only a little... ]
ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE
RESEARCHERS SAY HAND-EYE COORDINATION CONTROLLED BY BRAIN
ANALYSIS: JOBS END WELFARE
-- AP headline
[ And it only took the government 60 years to figure
that out... ]
FATAL MUDSLIDE BLAMED ON HILL
-- AP headline
[ Sure, why did they build that hill there? ]
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Sometimes the headline promises more than I wanted to know:
----------------------------------------------------------
SEVERAL VIKINGS HIT WITH INTESTINAL INFECTION; MORE COLOR
PHOTOS, PAGE 14C
-- Minneapolis, MN "Star Tribune"
STUD TIRES OUT
REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
[ I guess they just don't like him... ]
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES
MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER
SOME PIECES OF ROCK HUDSON SOLD AT AUCTION
SEX EDUCATION DELAYED, TEACHERS REQUEST TRAINING
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I think I know what they meant, but there must have been a better
way to say it:
-----------------------------------------------------------------
CRITICS SAY COUNTY MENTAL HEALTH NEAR COLLAPSE
-- Pasadena, CA 'Star-Telegraph'
[ What, EVERYBODY? ]
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
[ He got strung up. ]
DEPUTY KILLS MAN WITH HAMMER
[ Who had the hammer? ]
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
CALIFORNIA SEEKS 13,000 SEX OFFENDERS
-- AP headline
[ Don't they have enough already? ]
RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE
[ Gives a whole new meaning to cutting to ribbon to
open the bridge, doesn't it? ]
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
[ Maybe that will work! ]
HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
[ Oh, Tall guys! ]
AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY, LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER
[ 115, maybe? ]
CONDOM FAULTS COULD LEAD TO DATING POLICY
-- Bridgewater, NJ "Courier-News"
[ I think they mean dating as in month/day/year, not as
in 'just friends'. ]
NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP
[ I'd have thought they were already large enough. ]
OFFICIALS CONSIDER BRIDGE SUICIDE
-- UPI headline
[ Couldn't they just resign? ]
STUDENTS HEAR REPTILE LECTURE
-- Homestead, PA Daily Messenger
[ Another Cold Blooded Lecturer? ]
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
[ Sherlock Elms ? ]
PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
[ Really? ]
CELL PHONE HELPS CRASH VICTIM
-- AP headline
[ "It grabbed the wheel and saved me... Really! ]
TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG
[ Serves 'em right! ]
HUANG TO BE QUESTIONED IN SUIT
-- AP headline
[ Mr. Huang always dresses appropriately. ]
WILLIAM KELLY WAS FED SECRETARY
[ That's FEDERAL, not CANNIBAL! ]
WOMAN SUES CATERPILLAR FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT
-- UPI headline
[ That's Caterpillar the tractor, not the bug! ]
REST OF THE YEAR MAY NOT FOLLOW JANUARY
-- New York, NY "Wall Street Journal"
[ Predictions of the end of the world? ]
SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
[ Is the with Adhesive Tape or Superglue? ]
HIROHITO'S BODY MOVED
[ Not on its own, I suppose. ]
HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC
[ So that's where he was! ]
TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD
[ Was that dead, or already dead? ]
LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
[ What about in Male Mushrooms? ]
LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF
[ Ouch! ]
BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
[ Syrup, too? ]
TWO SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER
[ Must not have been in the '6 Items or Less' Line ]
DEER KILL 17,000
[ Hunting is more fair when they shoot back, right? ]
WINTER BLIZZARDS BRING BABIES
-- AP Headline
[ I guess that 'stork' stuff is just a story then? ]
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
[ What made them think the dog needed help? ]
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And some make hardly any sense at all:
--------------------------------
DEAD CATS PROTEST
-- London "Daily Telegraph
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
[ ! ]
FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
[ I didn't even know he was sick... ]
MAN MINUS EAR WAIVES HEARING
[ Sound decision ]
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
[ Strong Union? ]
ARSON SUSPECT IS HELD IN MASSACHUSETTS FIRE
NEW VACCINE MAY CONTAIN RABIES
DEAF COLLEGE OPENS DOORS TO HEARING
STEALS CLOCK, FACES TIME
[ An Up-to-the-minute account... ]
BANK DRIVE-IN WINDOW BLOCKED BY BOARD
MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE
[ He offered some resistance before he went ohm... ]
GRAMMER HOTLINE AVAILABLE
-- Honolulu, Hi "Downtown Planet"
[ Try _GRAMMAR_! ]
UNCONSCIOUS CAN 'THINK' BUT NOT ABOUT POPCORN
-- Reuter headline
[ French Fries, Maybe? ]
CHRISTMAS TREES DON'T GROW ON TREES
-- UPI headline
KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN TEN YEARS
[ It didn't take the first time. ]
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
[ Maybe the farmer had cold hands? ]
GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE
AIR HEAD FIRED
[ Of course! ]
DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1000 IN '84
[ Nice work if you can get it... ]
INMATE ELECTROCUTED ON TOILET
-- AP headline
[ Budget cuts, maybe? ]
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Some are just plain weird:
-------------------------
AUSTRALIAN HISTORY NOT JUST A LONG APOLOGY -- Prime Minister
-- Reuter Headline
[ Oh, Sorry! ]
END OF COLD WAR DOES LITTLE TO REDUCE TRENCH COAT SALES
-- Christian Science Monitor headline
[ What about slouch hat sales? ]
EX-HERMAPHRODITE SEEKS SEAT
[ Maybe the old one didn't fit right anymore... ]
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
LANSING RESIDENTS CAN DROP OFF TREES
LOOK OUT FOR LOVESICK BADGERS, BRITISH DRIVERS TOLD
-- Reuter headline
MAN WHO STOLE PIG TO PAY FOR STRIPPER'S BREAST IMPLANTS IS
SENTENCED
-- Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel
[Tom, Tom the Piper's son? ]
PROSECUTOR RELEASES PROBE INTO UNDERSHERIFF
[ Did it hurt? ]
PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD
[ So few planes crash into the sky these days... ]
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
[ So watch out for those police cars! ]
SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
[ Some of them, anyway! ]
TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
[ A ruler on the back of the hand maybe? ]
LORD TO ADVISE QUAYLE
-- Des Moines, IA Register
[ I hope they mean ex-ambassador, _Winston Lord_ ]
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
[ One ship is still living, though... ]
ACTOR SENT TO JAIL FOR NOT FINISHING SENTENCE
-- Knoxville, Tn "News-Sentinel"
[ You can go to jail for almost anyth ]
OPRAH, MADONNA TALK MARRIAGE
-- AP headline
[ To each other? ]
WOMAN RENTS HOUSE BUT COMPLAINS ABOUT CORPSE
-- Reuter headline
[ Some people complain about every little thing ]
DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING
HOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATE
BRITISH UNION FINDS DWARFS IN SHORT SUPPLY
ALASKA WARNED: DON'T BECOME FLORIDA
-- UPI headline
[ Must be that 'global warming' starting already! ]
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© 1997 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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