Hi, All!
Here we are, just into the January thaw - though it was a
little late this year so I guess we'll have to call it the
February thaw. Nice to see the temperatures get a little above
freezing. At least we can see the driveway again. I suppose
that almost all of you have heard the news by now that the
Packers won the Superbowl. So I hope you don't mind if we start
the festivities with a Packers joke. One that I can use now, by
the way!
This week, we get a little more free form and let the jokes
take over. Some very funny stuff has come along that doesn't fit
quite neatly in any category, though it seems that most of these
are word and language type jokes. Special thanks to Kerry Miller
and Caterina Sukup for their contributions for this week, by the
way. And now I have to see if I can get in the line at the car
wash before it starts snowing again...
Have a great week!
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When Hell Freezes Over
----------------------
A farmer dies and goes to hell. After a while the Devil
notices that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks
the gauges and sees that things are normal - it's 90 degrees and
about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer
and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, "I like it here, the
temperature is just like plowing my fields in June."
The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, turns up the
temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.
Later the devil finds the farmer standing around just as
happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why
he's so happy. The farmer says, "This is even better, it's like
pulling weeds in the fields during July."
The Devil, now really upset, decides to make the farmer
suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity
to 100 percent.
Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him
sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer
turns to the Devil and says, "This is great, it's just like
working in the silo with my friends in August."
The Devil says, "That's it! I'll get this guy." He goes over
and turns the temperature down to 5 degrees and sets the weather
control to SNOW. "Lets see what the he has to say about THIS."
A little while later, the Devil checks on the farmer again
-- only NOW he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "The
Packers have finally won the Superbowl!"
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And Now the Latest News on Ebonics:
----------------------------------
Status report on the Oakland School District Ebonics Program
Oakland County School Board members are considering a
proposal to expand the Ebonics program to include other
minorities in the Oakland School district. The following
minority groups and languages are under consideration:
Chinese: Wontonics
Irish: Leprechaunics
Italian: Spumonics
Russian: Raspuntonics
Danish: Pastryonics
Israeli: Hebronics
Bulgarian: Bubonics
German: Autobahnics
French: Escargonics
Swedish: Saabonics
British English: Etonics
Czech: Czszyskionics
Polish: Politics
Japanese: Futonics
Columbian Indian: High Colonics
Inuit [Eskimo]: Harponics
Canadian [English]: OnicsEh
Canadian [French] : Le' OnicsEh
It has been further suggested that the Oakland School
Board initiate a program to broaden the understanding of their
own form of language, Moronics.
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Service Department...
------------------
A little boy was upset over having to attend both the
morning and evening church services. At a morning service one
day, as he looked around, he spotted a banner.
"Mommy, what is that," he asked, pointing to the banner on
the wall.
His mother answered, "Johnny, those are gold stars for
people who died in the service."
He thought for a moment. "The morning service or the evening
service?"
==:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)=====:-)==
Is Bill Gates a Democrat?
------------------------
Word 7.0, the fancy Windows '95 version of Microsoft's
popular word processor, has a partisan spell checker. It
recognizes the names Kennedy, Johnson, Carter and Clinton, but
not Nixon (for which it offers to substitute "Nikon") or Reagan
("regain", "reign").
Could it be that Bill Gates favors Democrats, or does he
believe that Republicans don't need spell checkers?
[ Funny, WordPerfect has no problem with Speaker of the
House Newt Ginger Ale... ]
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Always Determine Intent
------------------------
A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes
out of his office about 8 PM he sees the Big Boss standing by the
shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
"Do you know how to work this thing?" the older man asks.
"My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."
"Yes, sir," says the young executive, who turns on the
machine, takes the paper from the other man, and feeds it in.
"Now," says his boss, "I just need the one copy..."
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A note from Kerry Miller...
------------------------
"I work for the VA hospital in Milwaukee. Technically, it's
the Clement J. Zablocki Veterans Health Administration Medical
Center, and the address is 5000 W. National Avenue. However, the
full name won't fit in most companies' address fields for their
shipping labels, so when we request things like catalogs we
abbreviate. We've gotten some really creative interpretations of
our abbreviations. The most common abbreviation is just: VA Med
Ctr, but some companies' software recognizes the Postal
abbreviation for Virginia and converts that back to 'Virginia
Medical Center'. So I started using 'Zablocki VHA Med Ctr.'
Today that came back as some Middle Eastern-sounding name:
Zblacki VHamed Ctr. However, my co-worker just topped that with
our address printed as '5000 W. Nay Anal Ave.' (Good thing we
have a unique ZIP code or we'd probably never have been able to
enjoy that one.)"
[ It must be catching --- VISA sent me a check last week
made out to 'William Beaver' ]
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Assisting the Profoundly Stupid Department...
------------------------------------------
Sign in Sandia National Lab's Physics Department:
"Do not look directly into laser beam with remaining eye."
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Think that punctuation isn't all that important?
-----------------------------------------------
Version 1:
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous,
kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being
useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no
feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy
--will you let me be yours?
Gloria
---------------
Version 2:
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous,
kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being
useless and inferior.
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no
feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy.
Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
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In Honor of Chinese New Year...
----------------------------
A panda eats a nice meal in a restaurant. When he's done
eating, he stands up, pulls out a pistol, and shoots another
diner, then heads for the door. The cook comes running out of
the kitchen to try to stop him. "Hey, wait a minute! You can't
act like that!" The panda says, "Yes, I can. I'm a panda. Look
it up." And the panda walks out the door.
The cook goes back to the kitchen and finds his dictionary.
Sure enough, there under "PANDA," it says: "Large black and white
bear from China. Lives in bamboo forests. Eats shoots and
leaves."
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© 1997 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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