This week is Thanksgiving in the US, so many of us here will
be on the road, going to see friends and families. I thought it
would be a great time for us to talk about cars. Funny how we
put so many feelings and fantasies into such a common mode of
transportation, isn't it? We don't think of a Porshe and a
Volkswagen as being almost the same car, but they are, really.
They do exactly the same job, after all.
First off this week is a list of cars and their typical
drivers. Note that the list is mostly males... Not to be male
bashing, but women don't seem to put as much into what car they
drive as men. So they aren't quite as funny about this. The
cars on the list are listed by their US names, by the way. Hope
that doesn't confuse anyone...
Thanks this week go out to Helen Yee, Kerry Miller, Junji
Taniguchi, Peter Adler, Bob Martens and Howard Lesniak for their
contributions to this and upcoming 'Funnies'. I do always
appreciate the help in gathering material. Hope you all have a
Happy Thanksgiving and let's all be careful driving around out
Have a great week!
WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOU ---
Interpretation of cars and their owners (mostly male)...
(If your car isn't listed, the jury is still out. Be glad....)
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars.
Acura NSX - - - I am impotent.
Audi 90 - - - I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp.
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people.
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I
tell them I own a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis because I just got
divorced and bought a gold neck chain.
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the
Dodge Dart - - - I teach third grade special education and I
voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - - I delivered pizza for four years to get
Ferrari Testarossa - I have a sexual disfunction.
Ford Fairmont - - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy looking like a police car so people
slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull
up behind them.
Geo Storm - - - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - - I have always said, half a convertible is
better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic - - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - - I lack any originality.
Infiniti Q45 - - I am a doctor with 17 malpractice suits
Isuzu Impulse - - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or
Jaguar XJ6 - - - I am so rich I will pay $60,000 for a car
that is in for repair 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - - - I learned nothing from the failure of
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle.
Lincoln Town Car - I think bingo is exciting.
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See Lincoln Town Car)
Mercedes 500SL - - I will beat you up if you ask me for an
Mercedes 560SEL - - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son
Mazda Miata - - - I do not fear being decapitated by a
MGB - - - - I am dating a mechanic.
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either.
Nissan 300ZX - - I have yet to complete my divorce
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm planning to
make a fortune from the parts.
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Neon - - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
Pontiac Trans AM - I think I'm Jim Rockford
Porsche 911 Turbo - I am sexually inadequate.
Porsche 944 - - I am dating big-haired women who goes out
with me only because of the car.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanan is far too
Saturn SC2 - - - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - - I have always wanted a Japanese car even
more inferior than Isuzu.
Toyota Camry - - I am still in the closet.
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet.
Volkswagon Microbus - Wow, man! You mean the Grateful Dead broke
Volvo 740 Wagon - - I am frightened of my wife.
DEPARTMENT OF UNAUTHORIZED REPAIRS ---
Two men were involved in a bizarre accident while returning
home from a frog hunting trip. Thurston Pole, 33, and Billy Ray
Wallis, 38 were traveling along on a dark road in Arkansas one
overcast night last summer when their pick-up truck's headlights
suddenly stopped working. The two men quickly determined that
the headlight fuse had burned out and realized that they had no
replacement. That's when Wallis discovered that a bullet from his
.22 caliber pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box. The lights
started working and the two men were on their way again.
Twenty miles later, the overheated bullet discharged and
struck Poole in the crotch. The vehicle swerved off the road and
came to a sudden stop when it collided with a tree near a river.
When Poole's wife first heard of the accident she was more
interested in how many frogs the men had caught and was concerned
that nobody got them from the wrecked truck.
OPTICAL DELUSIONS DEPARTMENT ---
- Being registered as legally blind is no obstacle to getting
a driver's license in Sicily. Authorities there said they
discovered at least 40 people who are receiving disability
pensions for blindness but who appear to have no difficulty
driving on the city's busy streets. The bogus blind have had
their benefits suspended and may be arrested for fraud. [SST
- In Tampa, Fla., in April, Antonio Valiente Valdez, Jr. was
on his way to court because of a traffic ticket for driving
without his glasses. Along the way, he accidentally hit a car
that was stopped on the side of the road. According to police,
he wasn't wearing his glasses then, either.
NOT THEIR BEST DAY ---
- Norman Newmarch, 60, was charged with drunken driving in
Toronto, Ontario, after his car hit a squad car in the parking
lot of a police station. He told officers he had driven to the
station because he wanted to ask police if he was sober enough to
drive. [Roanoke World-AP, Oct95]
- A Chicago man said he had a good reason for ignoring a 40
mph speed limit, running several red lights and then leading
Chicago police on an 11-car, high-speed chase for three miles
through the downtown area. The reason? He was late for an
appearance in traffic court.
- Eric Dulkin, 19, failed his driver's test in Chicago when he
accidentally accelerated as he was leaving the parking lot,
causing his car to skid and smash through the front window of the
- And, in Greenville, South Carolina, in November, a
15-year-old boy driving a stolen car saw his grandmother driving
toward him in traffic. When he ducked down so she wouldn't see
him, he accidentally hit the gas pedal, causing his car to smash
into hers. (Injuries were minor.)
THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT ---
- In July, one or more residents of Wabash Avenue in Medford,
Oregon, installed their own professional-looking (but illegal)
speed bump on a street where residents had long complained to
city officials about passing cars driving too fast. [Independence
- And in August, a Pennsylvania highway road crew re-paved
state road 895 directly over a dead deer that was laying in the
road near the town of Andreas. [L. A. Times-AP, 8-23-96]
CALL ME ISHMAEL ---
Police in Finland are testing a new device to gain the upper
hand when suspects try to outrun them: a harpoon. Fired from a
patrol car's front bumper and connected to a cable, the harpoon
is designed to grab onto the back of a fleeing suspect's car.
Police can then slow the suspect down, using the brakes on their
squad car. (Reuter)
[ Moby Crook? ]
© 1996 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.