Election News

We Dole out our Bills.

Hi, everybody!
     Well, it's election time here in the US, and the mud is
slinging again.  With all of those misleading ads on TV and
radio, it's hard to figure out who's lying more: the politicians
or the guys selling 'get rich quick' courses on late night TV. 
It may strike many of you as odd, but I have already voted, even
though the election isn't until this Tuesday.  Since I'll be out
of town, I got to vote on Saturday.  Nice to be first in line,
for once.  But the bad part is that I still have to hear all of
those nasty TV commercials for another couple of days even though
I've already voted.  It will be a great relief when this is all
over.
     Politicians are interesting to listen to, even though you
have believe that most of what they say is bunk.  And alot of
funny people are politicians.  But I'm not always sure if that's
funny as in humor or just 'funny'.  Oh, well...  They do make for
interesting reading, especially when they get caught telling
fibs.  I suppose we need politics...  For one thing, it keeps all
of those very competitive people out of more dangerous
professions.  After all, they could go into selling insurance. 
Now that is a scary thought!
     Have a great week,


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REPUBLICANS RUN INVISIBLE MAN - 

     Robert Garner won the Republican nomination for Hawaii's
congressional seat two years ago in the last election, but he
dropped out of sight right after the primary election and missed
the entire campaign.  He lost the election to incumbent Patsy
Mink. The Republican Party of Hawaii hired private detectives to
track him down but discovered his address and phone number were
invalid and that he had no credit history.
     [Maybe he's in the Federal Witness Protection Program...]

                           * * *

     In May, Richard Finney, 34, flunked his driver's license
exam in Topeka, Kansas. The next day he returned to the exam
office, accompanied by his mother, who happens to be Kansas State
Governor Joan Finney.  According to a licensing department
employee, she "was mad. She was real mad." After the governor
scolded the examiners, Richard Finney was escorted to the front
of the line and given the exam again, by the supervisor of the
office. He passed.
     [I've heard of a mama's boy, but that's just silly...]

                           * * *

     Last May, seven losing candidates in state and parliamentary
elections in India committed suicide after their party was
defeated in a landslide.  
     [Anybody watching Bob Dole?]

                           * * *

     Just before the Republican convention last August, a man
carrying three suitcases climbed a 400-foot radio tower in Miami,
Fla., and told onlookers he would stay there until he was
selected as Bob Dole's running mate.  His political platform:
more horses and bicycles, less asphalt and pornography.  
     [For a guy who's so big on promoting horses, he certainly
      doesn't seem very stable...]

                           * * *
 

     In Eureka Springs, alderman candidate Louise Berry died on
Oct. 6 of last year, but her supporters continued to run ads
against her opponent.  Because of the effectiveness of the
campaign, Berry pulled out a narrow victory.
     [I thought the dead guys could only be President of Russia.] 

                           * * *
 
     In the April election for City Council in Ypsilanti,
Michigan, incumbent Geoffrey Rose, turned over a list of his
voters to student Frank Houston, 18, who had volunteered to help
him get votes.  Using the list, the student went door to door and
then won the election himself as a write-in candidate. Houston
told reporters afterward that he did not deceive Rose: "All I
ever said all along was that I was going to get people to vote."
 
                           * * *

'WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT?', DEPARTMENT... 

     Diana LaPorta, who is running for a seat on the Volusia
County School Board in Florida, insists she has a bachelor's
degree even though a local newspaper has revealed she earned it
at "Hamburger University", a training program for employees of
the McDonald's hamburger chain. When asked to clarify her
education, LaPorta said "it does say on my diploma that it is a
`degree of bachelor'." (Reuters)
     [And she'll probably still get the orders wrong...]


                           * * *

     "Iraq Calls Clinton `Retarded, Immersed in Vice'" 
          -- Reuters headline
          [Hey!  He is NOT retarded!]

                           * * *
 
     An ex-prostitute has failed in her bid for a seat in
Congress. Jessi Winchester, 53, who worked in two legal brothels
in Nevada for six years, lost in the Republican primary to a
former state Assemblyman. Not even her former colleagues
supported Winchester. A spokesman for the Nevada Brothel
Association sniffed, "her behavior flies in the face of a policy
our industry tries to maintain of not rubbing our existence in
people's faces." (Reuters)
     [Unless you pay for that, of course.]


                          * * *

DEPARTMENT OF CLARIFICATIONS:


  -  "I haven't committed a crime.  What I did was fail to comply
     with the law." 
          David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering
          accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. 

  -  "They gave me a book of checks.  They didn't ask for any
     deposits." 
          Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to
          answer questions about the House Bank Scandal, where he
          was accused of writing checks on an account that
          contained no money.  

  -  "He didn't say that.  He was reading what was given to him
     in a speech." 
          Richard Darman, director of the US Office of Management
          and Budget, explaining why President Bush wasn't
          following up on his campaign pledge that there would be
          no loss of wetlands.

  -  "I didn't accept it.  I received it." 
          Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President
          Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he
          was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped
          arrange a private interview for them with First Lady
          Nancy Reagan.  

  -  "I was under medication when I made the decision not turn
     over the tapes." 
          President Richard Nixon, on the Watergate Tapes.  

  -  "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest
     crime rates in the country." 
          Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC  

  -  "Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be
     dying of something else anyway." 
          Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board,
          on the chemical chlordane.  

  -  "Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
     discontinued ... Reason: it has been reported to our office
     that you expired on January 1, 1976." 
          Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid  
        
  -  "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people
     who make them unsafe." 
          Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia. 

  -  "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa
     are vastly underpolluted." 
          Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank,
          explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third
          World countries.  

  -  "The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the
     Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes:
     assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and
     murdering a government poultry inspector." 
          Knight Ridder News Service dispatch     

  -  "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of
     principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce
     the appointment of David Steele to the post." 
          Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington
          Rhode Island.  

          [Wow! What a great recommendation he got!]

                           * * *

LIES LIKE A RUG DEPARTMENT -
     One of the Republicans swept into office in the last
election was Steve Mansfield, elected judge to Texas' highest
court that handles criminal appeals.  Among Mansfield's
pre-election lies or exaggerations (which he admitted freely in a
post-election interview in the publication 'Texas Lawyer') were
his claim of vast criminal-court experience (he is an insurance
and tax lawyer), that he was born in Texas (actually,
Massachusetts), that he dated a woman "who died" (she is still
alive), and that he had "appeared" in courts in Illinois (never)
and Florida (advised a friend of his, but not as a lawyer).
Mansfield also said he lived in Houston as a kid, but when a
reporter asked if that was a lie, Mansfield admitted it was.
Mansfield called those and other instances "puffery" and
"exaggerations," and said he would stop doing that now that he is
one of the highest-ranking judges in Texas.
     [Of course, he could still be lying...]

                           * * *
 
   The club golf pro at the Pyongyang, North Korea golf course,
the country's "Dear Leader" ,Kim Jong Il, shot a 34 on a recent
round of 18 holes, including five holes-in-one.
     [Oh, Great! Now we have to decide who's the bigger liar,
      Jong Il or that guy from Texas.]
 
                           * * *
 
THIS COULD EXPLAIN A LOT DEPARTMENT -
     Researchers at Scotland's Caledonian University in Glasgow
have found that criminal psychopaths and politicians share a
number of behavioral characteristics, though there is one
distinct difference: "Psychopaths lie easily. They get pleasure
from duping people," said researcher David Cook. On the other
hand, "politicians lie for a purpose." Yet the similarities are
striking. "Psychopaths tend to be grandiose, they don't feel
remorse, they don't feel guilt and they don't maintain stable
relationships." (Reuters) 
     [Politicians lie for a purpose?  See Kim Jong Il and Steve
      above...]

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