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This is a Test...

Sports Quotes / The Final Exam

Hi, everyone!
     In honor of the start of the World Series, I thought I'd
start this week with a little collection of sports quotes.  I'm
not the biggest sports fan in the world, of course, but I can
appreciate the goofy things that are said by athletes and
sportscasters.  In the case of athletes, they may be very good at
what they do, but they are often surprisingly bad at talking
about it.  And sports broadcasters have a tough job, since they
have to describe fast-moving events as they happen.  Once in a
while, they say things that they really wish they hadn't.  So,
hope you enjoy the quotes...  But remember, there will be a test
at the end.
     Have a great week!

PS.  Thanks go out this week to Paul Roser, Bob Martens, Libin
(Sylvia) He, Dale Frederickson, Peter Adler & Helen Yee for your
contributions.  Some are here this week and some will be used in
the future...


"It's about 90% strength and 40% technique."

     Johnny Walker, world middleweight wrist-wrestling champion,
     on what it takes to be a champ

"If I wasn't talking, I wouldn't know what to say."
     Chico Resch, New York Islanders goaltender

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
     Yogi Berra

"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."
     Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl during
     the National Hockey League's Stanley Cup playoffs

"I'm wearing these gloves for my hands."
     Yogi Berra, when asked why he was wearing gloves

"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and if he was poor, I'd return
     Yogi Berra, answering Casey Stengel's question "What would
     you do if you found a million dollars?"

"He fakes a bluff."
     Ron Fairly, Giants broadcast announcer

"I don't know. I'm not in shape yet."
     Yogi Berra, when asked his cap size

"It could permanently hurt a batter for a long time."
     Pete Rose, Cincinnati Red, speaking about a brushback pitch

"Fans, don't fail to miss tomorrow's game."
     Dizzy Dean, baseball great turned sports announcer

"Me and George and Billy are two of a kind."
     Mickey Rivers, Texas Rangers outfielder, on his warm
     relationship with Yankee owner Steinbrenner and manager
     Billy Martin

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and
it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This
is a terrible thing for the Padres."
     Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, attempting to
     tell radio listeners about a fly ball hit by a member of the 
     opposing team 

"His reputation preceded him before he got here."
     Don Mattingly, New York Yankee, on Mets pitcher Dwight

"Even Napoleon had his Watergate."
     Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager, commenting on a
     Phillies' ten-game losing streak

"We are experiencing audio technicalities."
     Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets

"Folks, this is perfect weather for today's game. Not a breath of
     Curt Gowdy, network sports announcer, on air

"I don't want to tell you any half-truths unless they're
completely accurate."
     Dennis Rappaport, boxing manager, explaining his silence
     regarding boxer Thomas Hearns 

"Arnie [Palmer], usually a great putter, seems to be having
trouble with his long putt. However he has no trouble dropping
his shorts."
     Golf broadcaster on the air during a tournament

"A lot of people my age are dead at the present time."
     Casey Stengel, baseball great, Yankees and Mets manager

"If Jesus were on the field, he'd be pitching inside and breaking
up double plays. He'd be high-fiving the other guys."
     Tim Burke, Montreal Expos pitcher

"And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is that Chicago at
Kansas City? Well, no matter, Kansas City leads in the eighth, 4
to 4."
     Jerry Coleman, Padres announcer, going through the
     scoreboard on air.

"Today is Father's Day, so everyone out there: Happy birthday!"
     Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets

"All I said was that the trades were stupid and dumb, and they
took that and blew it all out of proportion."
     Ron Davis, Minnesota Twins pitcher, commenting on press
     reports quoting him as criticizing team managers for trading
     top players

"The similarities between me and my father are different."
     Dale Berra, Yogi Berra's son

"They throw Winfield out at second and he's safe."
     Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer

                    THE FINAL EXAM

Instructions:  Read each question carefully.  Answer all
questions.  Time limit: 4 hours.  Begin immediately.


   History:  Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins
to the present day, concentrating especially, but not
exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and
philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa.   Be 
brief, concise and specific.

   Medicine:  You  have been provided with a razor blade, a piece
of gauze, and a bottle of scotch.  Remove your appendix.  Do not
suture until your work has been inspected.  You have fifteen

   Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the
classroom.  Calm them.  You may use any ancient language except
Latin or Greek.

   Biology:  Create life.  Estimate the differences in subsequent
human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million
years earlier,  with special attention to its probable effect on
the English Parliamentary System.  Prove your thesis.

   Music:  Write a piano concerto.  Orchestrate and perform it
with flute and drum.  You will find a piano under your seat.

   Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate
the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed
frustrations of each of the following: Alexander  of  Aphrodisis,
Rameses II, Jin Wang Li Zhi, Hammuarabi.  Support your evaluation
with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate
references.  It is not necessary to translate.

   Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might
accompany the end of the world.  Construct an experiment to test
your theory.

   Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle
have been placed on your desk.  You will also find an instruction
manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger
will be admitted to the room.  Take whatever action you feel
necessary.  Be prepared to justify your decision.

   Theology: Create a miracle that violates at least three
physical laws.  Estimate the effects of this miracle, if any,
over the next five centuries.

   Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the
national debt.  Trace the possible effects of your plan in  the
following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave
Theory of Light.  Outline a method for preventing these effects. 
Criticize this method from all possible points of view.  Point
out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in
your answer to the last question.

   Chemistry: Synthesize a substance having the exact properties
of water, except that it must stay in the liquid state over a
range of 400 degrees centigrade.  You may use oxygen but not
hydrogen in this compound.

   Political  Science:  There is a red telephone on the desk
beside you. Start World War III.  Report at length on its
socio-political effects if any.

   Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth.  Prove the
validity of your stand.

   Physics: Explain the nature of matter.  Include in your answer
an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on

   Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought.  Estimate
its significance.  Compare with the development of any other kind
of thought.

   General Knowledge: Describe in detail.  Be objective and

© 1996 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.