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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                                                   Issue #005 - 09/15/1996

Mixture as Before...

Legal Disclaimer

Hello again, all!
     First of all, a special Thanks to all of you who sent
articles, suggestions and encouragement.  I really appreciate it! 
This week, Sunday Funnies is a collection of odds and ends. But
not leftovers!  All fresh stuff for your enjoyment...
     Have a good week!

About Average Department?

     Three statisticians decided to go bow hunting for deer. 
They were walking along when they spotted a large buck, and
decided that this was the one they wanted.  The first
statistician jumped up and let his arrow fly - 10 feet to the
animal's left.  The second statistician jumped up and shot at the
deer - 10 feet to the animal's right.  The third statistician
jumped up and yelled "We got it."


Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer

10) Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

 9) It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

 8) In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a 
          friend's car.

 7) It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

 6) The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

 5) Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood   
          start howling.

 4) The screen often displays the message, "Is it break time     

 3) The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

 2) The only chip inside is a Potato Chip.

 1) You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to 
          your fabulous paperweight collection.

Top 10 Signs the Company You Work for Is Going Under - 

10. They start paying everyone in sea shells.

 9. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile 

 8. When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs 

 7. The chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey! Easy on
          the staples!"

 6. The initials of your company are "I.O.U."

 5. Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm.

 4. The voice mail system now gives the office hours as 9 AM to
          9:05 AM

 3. Conversations at the water cooler are mainly with yourself.

 2. Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about
          starting fires.

 1. You get a lot of memos with the greeting 'Dear Former

Staring at your Naval Department?

The (Sydney Australia) Observer,  February 4, 1996, Sunday

Enterprise zone - Netted by the Chief of Naval Operations:

  Overheard on the radio...

     1st Voice: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north
          to avoid a collision with us.

     2nd Voice: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to
          south to avoid a collision with us.
     1st Voice: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say
         again, divert your course.

     2nd Voice: No, I say again, you divert your course.


     2nd Voice: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


My lawyer pointed out to me how dangerous it is to distribute
these crazy little articles without a proper disclaimer.  I'm
told it could make me liable for abuse or misuse or something. 
Now you've probably seen the warnings on products telling you the
perfectly obvious, like, 'Don't Put Your Hands in the Lawn
Mower!'.  Right!  Good Idea!  In trying to keep from being sued,
I guess everything has to have a warning label these days, so - 



Copied Right! 1996 by Bill Becwar; This product intended for
educational purposes only; Humorous items are slightly enlarged
to show detail; Any resemblance to actual persons, living or
dead, is unintentional and a dirty rotten shame; Do not use while
operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment; Postage will be
paid by addressee; This is not an offer to sell securities; Apply
only to affected area; May be too intense for some readers; Do
not stamp; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; List each
check separately by bank number; No user-serviceable parts
inside; Freshest if read before date in header; Subject to change
without notice; Times approximate; Simulated picture; No postage
necessary if mailed in the United States; Breaking seal
constitutes acceptance of agreement; For off-road use only; As
seen on TV; One size fits all; Many suitcases look alike;
Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients; Colors
may, in time, fade; Slippery when wet; Not affiliated with the
American Red Cross; Drop in any mailbox; Edited for Internet;
Keep cool; Process promptly; Post office will not deliver without
postage; Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or
consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure
to perform; At participating locations only; If accidentally
ingested, do not cause vomiting; Celebrity voices impersonated;
Not the Beatles; Penalty for private use; Substantial penalty for
early withdrawal; Lost ticket pays maximum toll; Your cancelled
check is your receipt; Add toner; Place stamp here; Avoid contact
with skin; Sanitized for your protection; Be sure each item is
properly endorsed; Low fat; Sign here without admitting guilt;
Employees and their families are not eligible; Contestants have
been briefed on some questions ahead of time; Limited time offer,
call now to insure prompt delivery;  No passes accepted for this
engagement; No purchase necessary; Processed at location stamped
in code at top of header; Use only in well-ventilated area; Keep
away from fire or flame; Replace with same type; Approved for
veterans; Check here if tax deductible; Not including taxes; No
Canadian coins; Not recommended for children; Pre-recorded in
some time zones; No solicitors; No alcohol, dogs, or horses; No
anchovies unless otherwise specified; Restaurant package, not for
resale; Call before digging; Some of the trademarks mentioned in
this product appear for identification purposes only; Some
assembly required; Your mileage may vary; Substitutions allowed;
For external use only - if rash develops consult a postal
inspector; Contents may settle during shipment; Available for a
limited time only; Use only as directed; This offer is void where
prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; Humor is provided "as
is" without any warranties expressed or implied; Not liable for
damages due to use or misuse; Quantities are limited while
supplies last; All models over 18 years of age; Not responsible
for hyperbole or exaggeration in the humor; If defects are
discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an
authorized humorist for repair; Parental guidance is advised;
Keep away from sunlight, pets, insurance salesmen and small
children; Limit one-per-family please; No purchase necessary; You
need not be present to win; Batteries not included; Action
figures sold separately; Use only with proper ventilation; Keep
hands and feet away from moving Parts; Avoid direct flame and
extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; Smoking
humorous items may be hazardous to your health; Text used in
these items is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic
particles; No animals were used to test the hilarity of these
items; Contains no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor;
Slightly funnier west of the Rockies and in Puerto Rico. 
     Warranty does not cover damage from misuse, abuse, neglect,
legal action, forest fire, typographical error, hurricane,
missing bits, legal inaction, missing or altered serial numbers,
parity errors, falling rocks, lightning, misspelled words,
natural gas explosion, airplane crash, unnatural gas explosion,
bog spavins, tornado, broken glass, radio interference, tsunami,
flying projectiles, chemical action, wind storm, sonic boom
vibrations, disease, avalanche, entropy, volcanic eruption, loss
of pressure, loss of self esteem, loss of cookies, ship sinking,
rust or corrosion, ice flows, dog bite, earthquake, flood,
automobile accident, impact, collapse, rain, glacial action,
magnetic impulse, hail, psychological imbalance, snow, slime,
radiation, leaks, leeks, disability, static electricity, insect
sting, mud slide, incorrect line voltage, and Acts of God.  Other
restrictions may apply.


     Well, that should about cover it...

© 1996 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.